Tag

I’ll stop playing this onesided game
One that has no rules, no name
I felt the guilt and shame
There’s no point, no aim

I was awkwardly oblivious
They told me I was merely of use
Be warned, be careful of abuse
It’s certainly something to muse

One wrong move and then it was over
I don’t want to play this ever
This is ridiculous I thought I was clever
In this foolish game? Never

It is sadly true ignorance is bliss
Being dense is something that I miss
I simply want to get over this
I accept that there is no plot twist

This is my hi, hello, and goodbye
I don’t speak in codes I can barely lie
I did what I could, and yes, I did try
I resisted and stopped the urge to cry

I want to jump, I want to fall
But I’m stopping now, I can’t break the wall
I can’t take the risks for it’s nothing or all
It’s simply quid pro quo, it’s now your call

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2018: Betrayals, Trauma, Strength

Hola. This is my Random Ramblings 2018 edition. My random ramblings are a recap of my whole year and so far this is my 4th one here at WordPress. So yey.

I thought 2018 was going to be my year. It’s the year of the dog, the Pantone color of the year is Ultra Violet which is my favorite color. To be fair, my year started off really nicely. I had great professors, I planned to have boundaries and to stubbornly keep on being just who I wanted to be, I was as happy and healthy as I can be. Well, life had other plans which I had no control of, it went downhill pretty fast.

I realized I have no life other than law school, which is sad when I think about it so I don’t think about but I’m typing about it right now oh noes. I also realized that every year things get more difficult, I checked my previous random ramblings and now all I can think of is “Wtf. Why was I whining back then?” Hahaha. It’s just like in games where things get progressively difficult, and I’m kinda scared of 2019 because of that, but if there’s one thing that 2018 taught me is that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger but makes you a tired jaded soul.

I joined a moot court competition (not really a big deal, but as a person who swore to avoid debates, it was a big deal for me, and I ended up in law school, funny right??) and we lost but it’s okay because experience. I was so nervous but I survived so wooh. Unfortunately, this year I reached a new low for my health which is hahaha. I could only laugh at how abysmal my health became. I wallowed in self-hatred which in turn erased my boundaries and I aggressively started to take care of people. Bye 2018 new year’s resolutions. Hahahahuhuhu.

I also joined a lot of organizations this year, and I wasn’t active in my orgs during my undergrad years so I tried to enjoy it this year but it ended up flopping. Badly. And again, it’s okay, because it’s something I wouldn’t usually do, and I met a lot of great people. I also confessed randomly online to a person I liked (it’s funny actually because it went awkwardly, because of course, how else would it go) and I was expecting an explicit rejection. But I didn’t, then I just cringe every time I remember what I did. How juvenile. And how the tables have tabled when someone confessed to me. I don’t even know who it was because it was anonymous (so maybe it was a prank meh) but then it me hard at how . . . weird it is??? ahaha. I guess I didn’t expect that because seriously, I’m more of a random cat lady or that unnoticeable plant in the corner. No one is supposed to like me that way. It’s weird. Like. Very. Weird.

I was also betrayed, but it happens. I just foolishly didn’t expect it because I’m that idiot who believes in the golden rule so much that I thought it couldn’t happen to me. Pity and negative emotions don’t make a good foundation for any relationship. I’m disappointed at the people who did so, but I’m even more disappointed at myself because I should have seen it coming. I should have reacted better. I can’t change people but I can change myself.

“I wish love was perfect as love itself. I wish all my weaknesses could be hidden. I grew a flower that can’t be bloomed in a dream that can’t come true. I’m so sick of this fake love. I’m so sorry but it’s fake love.

I realized I tried so hard to please people because I’m afraid of being left alone, but people who wants to stay would come back no matter how hard you push them. Relationships are not about happy ever after but commitment to make things work. I’ve fought with a lot of people this year, and it hurts more the closer you are with the person, and I have no qualms about apologizing and acknowledging where I went wrong. Just because you’ve apologized, doesn’t mean you’re forgiven, or that it fixes everything. It doesn’t. But it’s a good start. I’m truly grateful for those who decided to forgive and stay with me despite how I’ve been toxic this year. I tried, I’m still trying, so thank you.

I’ve had my triggers slapped in my face so most of the time I’m like “wtf just happened”. I’ve been beaten mentally, emotionally, (kulang na lang physically pero buti hindi. hahaha). There were times when I had to force myself to functioning in the middle of a recitation and I had to struggle to even answer an exam even though bad thoughts had to keep on replaying in my mind. Most of the time I found myself crying and I think I’ve scared a lot of random strangers at the sunken garden (sobbing is a good way to ward off people who just tries to solicit for money. LOL.)

I was about to give up law school. I compromised so I dropped a subject instead. Funny, I’m not regretting that I dropped but that I started it in the first place. I’m scared that if I quit, I have nothing else. My knowledge and experience is so skewed I don’t know if I can shift into another career, but I keep on holding on. I won’t graduate on time, which is not supposed to be a big deal but it is to me because how long do I have to suffer this ahaha. Somebody asked me why I hesitate. What if I’m on the wrong path and I’m just stubborn about staying? I’m in a constant state of confusion that I even reached this far. I was also in a constant state of disappointment at myself. Haha. A lot of people are supporting me, and yet I’m unhappy. I can’t forget how someone told me how they missed the happy me (what am I, McDonald’s?) and told me I can stop. But I’m still trying as always. I’m here, that’s what matter, right? Hopefully.

“Even if I’m slow I will walk with my own feet. Because I know this path is mine to take. Even if I go back, I will reach this path eventually.”

Health is health. Be it mentally or physically. Being sick is not being weak. I know people who are struggling and fighting for their lives right now, and I admire them for doing so. They are strong, and any illness they have is just one facet, not the whole person. That being said, let’s keep in our prayers those who are suffering cancer and any disease that they be cured (I think stupidity is also a disease so let’s pray for them too).

So here are some of the weird points in my life. Lol.

Travel award of the year: I went to Japan with my best friend. I was surprised they allowed me to go. LOL. It was fun aside from some mishaps here and there.

“‘Di ko inexpect” award a.k.a. what people are most surprised by me: I became a fan of a kpop group called BTS (if it wasn’t  that obvious from the quoted lyrics, this whole blog post is just a promotion, hahaha. I’m kidding, not my fault that their lyrics fit what I wanted to say, it’s so convenient) and I met a lot of nice people because of them.

Plot twist of the year: Just when you thought you have it, but you don’t. It’s out of your control. I tried my best, but I guess my best wasn’t good enough.

It takes strength to hold on, but most people forget that it also takes strength to let go. To my regrets, my failed relationships, and 2018, goodbye.

In order to release your hand right now
I gotta let you know that I need to let you go
Hard to say goodbye
But I can’t run
I’m ready to let go

On the bright side, I met a lot of great people and I learned a lot. To those who stayed and those who will stay, here’s to a new year of growth, happiness, and genuineness.

It’s okay come on when I say one two three forget it
Erase all sad memories
Smile holding onto each other’s hands

Hoping for more good days
If you believe what I say then one two three”

Alhamdulillah for this year, and Alhamdulillah for the next.

My Truth Untold

Disclaimer: Lyrics not mine. The Untold Truth by BTS.

“Full of loneliness
This garden bloomed
Full of thorns
I bind myself in this sand castle”

I was so tired. I still am, but I still had the courage back then to smile and help others. I still had my head held up high, eyes on the prize, heart on my dreams, hope in the future, faith in myself.

“What is your name
Do you have a place to go
Oh could you tell me?
I saw you hiding in this garden”

I watched as the people I’ve cared for get hurt and confused. I foolishly poured and poured until nothing was left. It hurt so much to the point of unfeeling. Not realizing that they get tired trying to protect me from such pain.

“And I know
All of your warmth is real
The blue flower your hand was picking
I want to hold it but”

I saw your struggles, your dreams, your persistence. You tried and you tried, and I wanted you to succeed, I still want you to. I did what I could. I turned away from myself to look at you.

“It’s my fate
Don’t smile to me
Light on me
Because I can’t get closer to you
There’s no name you can call me”

I forgot myself. I forgot how to smile. But I learned how to lie. I learned how not to feel, to move without breaking until I can stop safely. One day someone told me, they missed my smiles and happy self.  I choked on my tears, and swallowed the words that I wanted to say. I didn’t ask for this to happen. I want myself back too, and I don’t know if I can still be the old me.

“You know that I can’t
Show you me
Give you me
I can’t show you a ruined part of myself
Once again I put a mask again and go to see you
But I still want you”

I tried, I’m still trying, for you, for myself, for everyone I hold dear.

“Bloomed in a garden of loneliness
A flower that resembles you
I wanted to give it to you
After I take off this foolish mask”

I want to stop. I want to rest. I just want to be me, to be free, to be bright and happy. I want to stop lying. I want to stop pretending that I’m strong. But I have to keep going. We have to.

“But I know
I can’t do that forever
I have to hide
Because I’m a monster”

I am in a state of confusion and despair. But God gives me light, gives me hope, gives me faith, a silver lining amidst the darkness surrounding me.

Someone asked me, “Why do you hesitate?”

“I am afraid
I am shattered
I’m so afraid
That you will leave me again in the end
Once again I put on a mask and go to see you”

Fear grips my heart at the thought that this isn’t for me, that I’m fighting a losing battle and delaying the inevitable.

“The only thing I can do
In the garden
In this world
Is to bloom a pretty flower that resembles you
And to breathe as the me that you know
But I still want you
I still want you”

Half-hearted, they called me. It was a stab to my heart, but despite those words I still try no matter what.

“Maybe back then
A little
Just this much
If I had the courage to stand before you
Would everything be different now”

I still wonder, even though years have passed. Would I have been more confident and sure if I held on despite suffering? Would I have been stronger if I didn’t stop and pushed my limits. What if I wasn’t sick? If I was healthier, smarter, luckier, stronger?

“I’m crying
That’s disappeared
That’s fallen
Left alone in this sandcastle
Looking at this broken mask”

I’m still here. Despite everything, every tears shed, every hurtful words, every insult, every sacrificed time, every breakdown, I’m still here.

“And I still want you
But I still want you
But I still want you
And I still want you”

 

Confessions of Ideation

There was this girl who thought herself to be rational, logical and calculating but she is not. If she were to be truly to be such person, she would have bought a life insurance and concocted of ways to be able to die and still have her heirs to receive the money.

As it is, no, she is not logical because despite computing the costs of her living which includes medicines, food, and other necessities to be more than the worth of her continued useless existence, she still lives.

Children did not ask to be born. Parents did not ask to have children either. Such an unfortunate circumstance for the parents to have a child like her. As it is, she also has the misfortune of being conditioned to obey parental figures and other authorities, a sad immature characteristic. She tried to get rid of it, oh how she tried. The others tried to help, the very authorities themselves tried to, but ironically they only made it worse.

So she rebelled in her own stupid way. She is tired and vengeful, so she tries to make people eat their words by proving them wrong. “You can do it” they said to her, so she fucking bloody didn’t. She is strong the others say, but she is weak to the core, and she is exhausted. She didn’t know what to think.

She resorted to self-sabotage, a bad habit of years old. She is too tired of pushing through her limits. She is tired of people. but if she wants to do something for herself, guilt eats her and she receives no support at all. She doesn’t believe in unconditional love. Unconditional love is an oxymoron. People start to hate once others do not fit into their ideas anymore. Yes. People betray, God does not.

She pities the people around her for trying to cope with her existence. She used to wish she wasn’t born. There is a difference in wishing to be unborn and wanting to die in her mind. If she wasn’t born in the first place, no one would get hurt. No one at all, because it’s a state of not being. Void ab initio. As if she didn’t exist at all.

Now she just wants to die. She just wants to die because she deems herself unworthy, useless, a waste of space and oxygen. She couldn’t even achieve her dreams, couldn’t even help someone, and most of all, she couldn’t even help herself.

She swallows the bitter words that wants to come out of her mouth every time somebody asks her “how are you” because she knows “I just want to die” is a rude and ungrateful reply to her birth giver, even if it is the harsh truth that exists inside her very soul.

She is aware of the society. She is aware of the problems that other people bear, that it’s so much worse, and so she could only laugh bitterly and with remorse, that she still suffers despite having privileges. She is an ungrateful, bitter person.

So to this end she confesses; the guilt of having ideations, of having thoughts of how easy it is to just end it all. And yet she doesn’t. She does not know if she is guilty of wanting it, or guilty of not doing it despite the fact that everything would be better if she were gone.

 

An Apology from a former Apologist

When I was young and naive, I admired former Pres. Marcos who once declared Martial Law in the Philippines. I admired his intelligence, his initiatives, and his ability to lead.

Now, I only admire the Nutribuns (because food).

I used to be like the others, admiring the infrastructures and projects done during his time.

But at what cost?

Billions of pesos (stolen and unreturned). Millions of lives. Gallons of blood.

I attended a forum in UP in 2011 which discussed the horrors of the Maros Martial Law, and back then I couldn’t comprehend or completely internalize what was so bad about the Marcos regime. I just blamed Imelda and her shoes and her frivolous, whimsical actions. I made excuses. I didn’t understand deeply the anger, and everytime I asked someone to explain to me, I get polarized answers that I didn’t know what to think.

He was brilliant, he was just corrupted by his wife. Besides, how could anyone from UP act to the detriment of the beloved nation? (Jokes on me. I can now cite a LOT of example. I don’t have to do it, you can just search them easily.)

I was so stupid back then. Of course, he was brilliant. He couldn’t have done the atrocities with finesse if he wasn’t, and I say with finesse because the current President does his dirty deeds without an ounce of it – nil, nada, nani mo, WALA. The Supreme Court decisions made during his time was something to be amazed at because things were lawful but far from ethical.

And now I apologize from my blindness, for the selfish thoughts that what was done was okay because it was the greater the good. The greater good that turned out to be rotten. Now I see and understand, what the others tried to tell me before.

I’m sorry.

My history professor taught us that history doesn’t repeat itself. History is the time, place, and people so it’s never exactly the same.

We live in different times with different people, but the same malady and corruption still fester within the nation.

Why is it that we so forget easily? Even if we forget, how can we just let things happen for the sake of “greater good”. The ends justify the means, or so the teleological approach says. We can debate all day, and still end with a dilemma. Regardless, we should make a choice. One that we can live with.

We want discipline, peace and order, security. Do we have it now? Are we getting it? How do we get it?

Certainly not in the way they are currently doing it.

Harapang pangloloko ang ginagawa nila, ginagago ang mga mamamayan. The wrongdoings are proudly broadcasted to the nation, some even confessing to it (out of sheer stupidity or shamelessness). It happens so frequently and openly that some are forced to accept it as it is and turn a blind-eye, or worse, think that it is right.

The people who knows it is wrong can react in three ways: fight, flight, or freeze.

I cannot tell you what to do, it is your choice, your will, your energy, and your principles. I can only hope that those who chose flight will return someday to help, and I can only admire and help those who chose to fight in my own way. I hope to convince those that are stuck in the freeze reaction like I was to make choice to help and fight back.

Never again. Never forget. Marcos was not a hero, he was a dictator who took more than what he could give to the nation.

More than the person, we should not forget the lessons.

The curent president of the Philippines is a mere copy-cat who wishes to be like him but couldn’t and his administration is probably bloodier and more invasive. (We don’t even have Nutribuns for crying out loud. We only have Tokhang and entertainers as public officials.)

Reported by Anas (RA): Allah’s Apostle (peace be upon him) said, ‘Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, ‘O Allah’s Apostle! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?’ The Prophet said, ‘By preventing him from oppressing others.’

(Bukhari Volume 3, Book 43, Number 624)

 

 

Back to School Blues

It has been a week since I returned to law school. I’m just going to mope because the weather sucks and I want to mope. Sad post ahead be warned, except the last paragraphs where I try to impart wisdom. Operative word being “try”.

Anyway. I still can’t believe that I reached third of law school (although I do have back subjects). For some weird reasons I have always expected myself to be a freshie forever. Seriously.

Like. How. Why. What. When did I get here?!?! Wtf??!?

I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I know I somehow crawled through it. I barely passed whatever subject came my way. Now there’s a new sem and not even a month into it I’m already tired. Probably because half of my energy is spent trying not to burst into hysterics while half of it is spent trying to be functional. The current society is very shitty but it’s what we have right now. Every morning I get this urge to cry and breakdown, but I can’t. I just want to get over this. It’s like waiting for a sneeze that wouldn’t come.

I already told myself before that I will accept it if I fail and get kicked it out, and yet I would find myself praying to pass and just survive this. You can’t really lie to yourself.

I also may be experiencing quarterlife crisis and existential angst. I must have been using an umbrella when God poured talents on humans. I’m such a talentless hack. Why can’t I sing or dance. I can’t even draw to save my life, except stick drawings. I’m not even good at writing. Maybe it’s just the sad feeling that I almost have nothing except law school in my life. Kinda. Lame. And depressing.

Oh but I do have friends who help me focus and ground me to reality. I met with a few of them this week and it really helped me a lot in grounding myself. Like wow, I have friends outside law school, wow, there IS life outside law school.

Now everything is threatening to overwhelm me again. I’m torn between saying “f*ck it I don’t give a damn anymore” and “oh s*it I better move. Move. Move. MOVE.” The funny thing is, it’s like this every year except I feel apprehensive about third year.

In 3rd year high school, my life changed. Things happened. I get horrible flashbacks but I try not to remember it unless I want to be triggered. During my 3rd year undergrad, I was sick and changed courses. Now I’m just waiting for what unfortunate thing will happen in my 3rd year of law school. Oh wait, I have a very fun set of professors this year! Amazing! How lucky am I that even my siblings pitied me.

Ugh. This sucks. I do enjoy learning, I love listening to lectures and knowing things. I’m a semi-nerd. I guess I just don’t like the pressure of passing, the pressure of trying to live up to expectations, the pressure of not disappointing anyone. I mean I already failed, it’s not the end of the world (I mean I thought it was but no). I’m here because of miracles.

I’m trying to chase a deadline but it came with the awkward and painful realization that I just don’t have enough energy for it. I’m still going to try though, because it’s what is expected of me. And if forcing myself is a talent then I might not be so talentless after all.

The point is, be the awesome you and don’t be like me.

There’s also a silverlining in every scenario, because despite my whining and moping I do realize that I have improved somehow when I compare myself to the past. Baby steps, that no one ever really notice. People won’t notice much if you changed, but if you do and you accept, then it’s ok. Give yourself a pat to the back.

Cheers to a new sem ahead. What will happen will happen.

Random Ramblings: Midyear Edition (2018)

I usually do a very long random rambling post at the end of the year as a reminder to myself of what happened, but recently I’ve had so many awkward and weird realizations that I had to write about. So yeah. Here it goes. It’s gonna be long, probably, so you can just scroll down to the summary.

First of all, it feels weird to suddenly realize that people read my posts. Which is stupid, I know. I should have written it in a private journal then. What I meant was, I just write because I like it, and I feel flattered and at the same time mortified at the thought of people reading this. I guess I share my thoughts in the hopes of helping anyone who might think it useful, or even amusing. Most people don’t comment and just like, perhaps to keep this one-sided feels of a blog posts. Still. It’s weird. Let’s pretend this never happened ayt? Don’t even attempt to use this as blackmail material because “I will look for you, I will find you, and I will-“ (I haven’t actually watched Taken yet, I probably should add it to my growing list of backlogs.) Kidding. I’d appreciate any comments of sorts as long as its of a nice nature and not of the blackmail kind.

Anyway, it feels weird to have to filter myself once I realized people could be reading this, but free speech is for the speech you hate not for the speech you love (so they say). Fake news is another matter, it should not be a protected speech. But let’s not go into that debate yet. My “haters” could politely get off my website and stop reading this as a form of self-torture. I also admit to feeling selfish with my thoughts. No. Seriously. This blog of mine should be accessible only to the people I trust (strangers who don’t know me LOL, and selected friends). And now I am forever disturbed by the thought that someone unworthy is reading this. But it’s a good thing actually, because it made me realize things. Shitty things, but a realization nonetheless.

At the same time, it feels weird to realized that you’ve been placed on a pedestal. It. Is. F***ing. Stressful. And I felt so mortified when I realized I bloody did it to another person that I can’t even apologize to properly because that would be another awkward conversation and a can of worms that I really do not want to open since the other party probably did not notice and does not care. . . . ugh this is vague posting. I feel sad I lost a chance to make a new friend because of fangirling tendencies and at the same time embarrassed because I am usually perceptive about these kind of things. And ugh. I’m just a normal human-being with a sense of introspection slightly above average that should NOT be placed on a pedestal EVER. Or perhaps it’s just the privilege talking, since I only recently realized that what I consider normal is not really normal. It depends on the context. Maybe I’m so used to pressure coming from myself and family that I do not appreciate (and will destroy unconsciously, but most of the time consciously) anything I consider as someone placing any expectation on me.

See, this is why I find it so ironic that I placed another person on a pedestal when I hate it so much. Talk about hypocrisy. Good news is, like a decent person, I am trying hard to change that.

Vague post, according to Urban Dictionary, contains no context and remains unclear and confusing to most if not all of the readers. The best thing about vague posting is that people don’t know who you’re talking about unless they confront you, and the worst thing about it is that they really won’t know who it is unless you confirm it. Ah the wonders of deniability.

It. Is. Not. A GOOD THING. Like f*** it, it just adds hate to the world. (Well if you’re gonna be explicit about a thing, then go ahead. Talk it out like a decent person. Except the gov’t. F*** ’em if they don’t listen, please do rant about and against dictatorship all you want and join movements if you can). Negative vague posting serves as a challenge to other people, a call to attention, if the shoe fits, “Bato-bato sa langit, tamaan ‘wag magalit”, etc. Social media is public. So be prepared to face opposition, or don’t post at all. Most of us are stuck in an echochamber recently. That and trolls are becoming more annoying and persistent. Avoid engaging them as much as possible. Or not. Idk what the right protocol is in handling them, don’t trust me on this.

On the other hand, positive vague posting is sometimes useless. Sure it would probably be better for the speaker to release some pent up emotions but it is useless on the part of the intended receiver, because wtf did you expect about that post which could have been pertaining to anyone?! Some people vague post with the hopes of catching the attention of the intended receiver, real talk: they won’t talk to you even if they feel like it was them you were talking about because it is bloody VAGUE. Like message that person or whatever. I am guilty of vague posting, and I am trying to stop like what I said because I just realized how awkward and annoying it is.

Sad isn’t it? That most people only stop and realize that what they’re doing is wrong when they’re placed in the exact position. The good news is, for every realization we can now take a step towards redemption.

Second, law school is very stressful but recently I’ve been in idgaf mode. I’ve been wondering if this was all a mistake, but of course it’s not. I don’t regret a thing, except some moments of self-sabotage, but other than that nothing else. I’ve met wonderful people and learned a lot. I tried out moot court this year, and though it was just a college competition it was still nerve-wracking. By nerve-wracking I mean I was tempted for awhile to go AWOL because of it and it did cause some breakdowns but hey, I survived. Might even try again? Haha. Ha. Fat chance.

I’ve been feeling out of it lately. I have no other life at all, except for law school. Which is sad. Is this what they call quarterlife crisis? LOL. I’ve been feeling useless and a failure. I know I’m not a total failure though, just a bit.

On the bright side, there’s nothing bad about law school being the only life, even if the judiciary system has been disrespected, disparaged, and disregarded (*insert more verbs here*) by the current administration. All the more reason to keep on fighting for it and to correct it,

Third, to give with the expectation of receiving tbe same thing from a person will kill you. Probably. It is selfish and pointless. Selfish because doing it is for the sake of self gratification, and pointless since not everybody will reciprocate. Just follow the golden rule. Be a decent human-being, but self-care is needed. Though to be fair, it gets annoying when some try to justify their wrong behavior for self-care. Stop it. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong just admit it. It’s disrespectful to use the concept of self-care as an excuse to be shitty when others are struggling to even do it.

Fourth, “death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes-“. I love that song. Anyway, death is inevitable. Having a disease that can kill is no different from dying in a car crash. It just happens and comes to a shock to people. What’s painful is when it could have been prevented and when it is pointless. Suicide, EJKs, poverty, etc. Pointless. Everyone dies yet people would sell their soul for land, power, and money.

I have also broken all of my new year’s resolution spectacularly which included boundaries. Currently reestablishing them with the hopes of it being permanent or at the very least last for more than six months. Looking back at it, it has been an exhausting year for everyone. And before I go on full on angst mode let’s end here.

To summarize this random post like I promised at the start:

  • Humans are humans. Not God. They don’t belong on pedestals to be worshipped.
  • Fake news is bad. So are trolls. And vague posting.
  • Law school is crazy.
  • Be nice, even to yourself.
  • Death is inevitable. Live to the fullest. Stand by your principles.

Cautiously Optimistic: Mental Health Law

Last thursday, June 21, 2018, R.A. 11036 was signed into law in the Philippines. R.A. 11036 is also known as the Mental Health Act of 2017.

I couldn’t find a copy of it yet, but here is the Senate Bill: https://www.aseanlip.com/philippines/general/legislation/bill-of-the-mental-health-act-of-2017/AL13877

When I first heard the news, I wasn’t overjoyed. In fact, I was a bit indifferent. What would a mere law do when the society itself rejects the very thought of mental illnesses? What would a mere law do against the prejudice and stigma attached to the idea? What would it do against the people denying, disrespecting, and downright violating the rights of others?

What?

When I read the bill, my thoughts changed and I could only hope.

Hope.

Hope that this first step taken towards the recognition and acceptance will not be for naught. The act contained provisions recognizing the rights of people; particularly the “Service Users”, the family members, and to my pleasure the “Mental Health Professionals” as defined by the law. It is an affirmative action, an action that the privileged may not appreciate but it’s not for them so they shouldn’t whine. The cynic in me agrees that such law is useless. Then again, it is not. Hope is not useless. It should not be. It never will be.

The law explicitly said rights, and not privilege. It did not state any discounts, free passes, or ‘special treatment’. The treatment provided for by the law refers to a treatment of an illness, not special treatment which people with a grand sense of entitlement feel they have. Rights. They are rights which any human being should possess and should be respected. With the statement of the rights, one can hope that it will be better protected and respected, at least in a legal battle.

The law provided for guidelines on providing mental health services. Mental. Health. Services. Health Service. What a wonderful creature that I wish to be created holistically with other fields. Wow. What a concept.

“Sec. 14. Mental Health Services at the Community Level. – Within the general health care system, the following mental health services shall be developed and integrated into the primary health care system at the community level:

(a) Basic mental health services, which shall be made available at all local government units down to the barangay level;

(b) Community resilience and psychosocial well-being training in all barangays, including the availability of mental health and psychosocial support services during and after natural disasters and other calamities;

(c) Training and capacity-building programs for local mental health workers in coordination with mental health facilities and departments of psychiatry in general or university hospitals;

(d) Support services for families and co-workers of service users, mental health professionals, and mental health workers; and

(e) Dissemination of mental health information and promotion of mental health awareness among the general population.”

And there’s more:

Sec. 17. Integration of Mental Health into the Educational System. – The State shall ensure the integration of the mental health into the educational system, as follows:

(a) Age-appropriate content pertaining to mental health shall be integrated into the curriculum at all educational levels; and

(b) Psychiatry and neurology shall be required subjects in all medical and allied health courses, including post-graduate courses in health.”

The cited provisions are just part of the whole law, there’s more of it which covers concerns regarding mental health. Recognition and education, the two main things that we try and work for the society to receive. Recognition that mental health is as real as it can be, and education to help people recognize it as such. Mental disorders should be treated, not exalted or celebrated. Nobody celebrates flu or cancer. (Do they? That’s weird.)

I hope that it will be enough, enough as a first step. The fight is not over. It has only just begun. It is only a law, and the execution of it will be for anyone to guess and to guard. Until there are those who think that mental disorders are unreal, who think having problems with mental health as merely an excuse for shitty behavior (Real talk: it’s f*cking not. There’s no excuse for bad behavior, only reasons); until there are those who romanticize suicide, I can only be cautiously optimistic.

April Fool’s Month

So. 2018. So many plot twists and it’s not even 2019 yet.

My January and February went okay. March, however, is another matter. I dub the month as the month of rejection. I got rejected from a job, a part-time job, and a personal life matter. It’s okay, I’m used to it. That’s just life.

All was well, but then April came.

Bloody f***ing April.

I don’t know what’s the matter with the moon (effing horoscopes, if it can even be relied upon, I did not ask to be a Cancer, or whatever okay) or the stress (bloody law school and its crazy people), or just myself (my tendency to be a little bit crazy every now and then).

April is the month where my relationships went to chaos. And by chaos I mean somebody set it on fire and I had to stop myself from pouring oil to the fire. I had to look for a fire extinguisher so at least the fire died, but so am I. Dead inside. Kidding. Just maybe dying. Ish. Somewhat, sorta, maybe. The point is, I’m just tired. Dead tired. Idk how I’m moving hahaha.

Like, it gets tiring to hear “you’re too nice”, “you’re a pushover”, and whatever. What most people don’t know is that I have an effing anger management issues. I’m neither nice nor patient. I just restrain myself from saying the things I know I would regret. I inherited the sharp tongue of my parents, I just don’t show it except when I really, really snap. My patience is not infinite. Sad to say, I snapped, and I wanted everything to burn, but nooooo. I gotta be the better person, gotta be good, gotta be nice. I would have committed much more serious offense if I weren’t so religious. I’m just trying to be a decent human being, okay? Not my fault society changed its definition of decent to the point that I could be labelled as a saint. Like wtf. Seriously?

April is also the month of acceptance. I got accepted into an org, which I have been applying for over a year, and I finally accepted things which I should have accepted years ago. And that I badly need self-care. I suck at it. If it weren’t for my friends and family, I would have no sense of self-preservation at all.

I also have accepted that I attract weird people. I thought opposites attract. Why can’t I attract normal people as friends? Well, to quote one of my friends “birds of a feather flock together”.  I have received this picture too many times to count, from different people. It is kinda flattering. But tiring. I did not ask to be this way. I just am.received_2055705131110754.png

When God made self-care rain I was hiding under a rock. I need a break. Sometimes I would get jealous with other people who have significant others who would take care of them but then I would be reminded that I have my significant people who love and support me, and that people betray but God does not. I also should probably take care of myself. Probably.

So this month of April is all about acceptance, that human-beings are weak, that there are those who would abuse and take-advantage of other people but there are those who would give light despite the darkness.

Keep faith, be strong.

Some would say that what I am doing is foolish, but hey, April Fool’s month everybody.

In loving memory of the girl who tried

She was bright and joyful. She would greet people with a smile, she would wave happily at anyone she knew. She would love unconditionally. She was a bit childish, light and airy. Quite immature, some would say.

She was a natural pacifist, and hated conflicts. She would listen with an open mind, and she would try her best to mediate. She was rational but would nevertheless be stubborn and fight for what she thinks is right.

She was an idealist born in a world of opportunities, and so she tried.

But she tried too hard.

Her world turned into disappointment, lies and broken promises. She was naive, they said. She was too softhearted, they said. As she tried to keep her heart, her humanity despite everything, she kept on losing.

Still she tried. She walked on. She tried to hide her weariness and hatred deep down. She choked on the vitriolic words she could have said but did not say. She held herself tightly as she was falling apart. She held back even though she knew she should only walk forward.

She was better than that. She could do better than that. She is only human.

The girl who tried turned into the girl who was tired.

She did not have a healing aura, she was only doing what she thinks is right. She did not attract damaged people, society just changed to the point nobody knew how to handle themselves. She did not have the job of healing everyone but she wanted to. She tried.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Stupidly, she still tried.

This is in loving memory of the girl who tried.

With the help of God, she will be back and she will be better. She’ll return one day and then she will be the girl who did.