Apologize

I am sorry. I am sorry to society. I am sorry for ignoring you, for hating you for all of your discrimination and unfairness. For believing that you can’t be changed, you can’t be helped, you can’t be trusted. I am sorry, for not being able to give back what I have to give back to you. I am sorry for giving up on you.

I am sorry. I am sorry to my friends, for not being able to be for them always. For not being there to support them, for not being always there when they need me, for forgetting how to understand them, for forgetting our good times, for forgetting the values, the laughter and the tears we shared together. For believing that we could only be friends in happy special times, for thinking that I can’t be myself with you, I am sorry. I am sorry you have a friend like me.

I am sorry. I am sorry to my family. I am sorry for not becoming the daughter they could be proud of. I am sorry for not living up to their expectations. I am sorry for not being like my other siblings, I am sorry for being so troublesome. I am sorry they have a daughter who is so weak and cowardly. I am sorry.

I am sorry. God I am sorry. I am sorry for not believing that you could handle my affairs. For foolishly thinking that I can do it on my own, I am sorry. I am sorry for not trusting You with whatever plans You may have for me. I am sorry for breaking my promises, for whatever sins I have done, for my ignorance and arrogance, for my inconsistency and for wavering in my faith. I am sorry. Please grant me Your pardon.

To myself, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for ignoring you. I am sorry for making you go on without a direction. I am sorry for not believing when I told you that I’ll always believe you. I am sorry that I almost gave up on you. I’m sorry for hating you. I’m sorry for forgetting you, for the sake of pleasing others. I’m sorry for lying to you, for forcing you to be the person you are not. I am sorry. For all the things you had to go through, I really am sorry. I’m sorry I denied you. I’m sorry I almost gave up on you. I’m sorry for denying the dreamer in you, for becoming a cynical, a pessimist who doesn’t believe in anyone or anything at all. I am sorry for shattering your dreams, for giving up without fighting, without hearing out what you really wanted. For all of the pain and agony you needlessly went through, I am sorry. I’m so sorry for failing you.

After all these apologies, after saying sorry, I wish to move on.

I wish to dream, I wish to hope.

It will be hard. I know it’s hard. But that’s what makes it worth it, right? Easier said than done. But we still have to try. We still have to.

The next time I say I’m sorry, will be the time when I tried and failed, not when I failed to try. I want to say sorry for trying and failing, instead of saying sorry for not trying and denying.

And the next time I won’t say I’m sorry.

I’ll say I’m happy.

God willing, I’ll be happy.