Closet Dreamer

I am tired. I am tired of society trying to deny me. I am tired of hearing people say that there’s nothing I can do, that this is reality. I am tired of hearing that there are limits, constraints. I am tired, bloody tired of all this negativity. I am tired of myself.

I say f*** you. Leave me alone.

I know there are limitations. I know there’s only so much I can do. I know I am weak. I know I am too idealistic. I’ve been saying that to myself. I’ve been thinking that my whole life. I’ve been hearing that since I was born.

I know I have no one to blame but myself. But as a result of mental conditioning, of the society itself denying and manipulating the reality to suit its needs, I gradually became a cynic, a pessimist so to speak.

Why would I do that? I’d only fail.

Do I push through with these? Nah, I don’t think so. It wouldn’t happen anyway.

Do I help these poor people? Psh. They won’t change anyway, It’ll only get worse.

Fight for what? Eh. It wouldn’t matter if we fight for it. The results will be the same. We’re not in power. They’re all the same. It won’t change. Nothing we do can change it. Nothing.

But what about the effort you could have invested for something you really desire? What about trying and believing?

Does it not count? Does it not matter?

Sure, results are important. I know that. We know that. Everybody knows that. It’s reality, right? (Again with the reality) But is it enough to discount, to devalue the actions and the ways to get results even when it failed?

It’s not. I want to believe it’s not. Sure, getting results is good. Sure, doing something that does not lead to a good is result might be pointless, a waste of time even. But don’t discount the fact that they tried.

They say most people regret what they did not do. They don’t regret what they did; they regret what they didn’t do because they were scared, because people told them not to, because they told themselves not to, because reality wouldn’t let them. Excuses.

Call me naïve, I don’t care. I’d take it any day over being a pessimist. I’m not that stupid either, I know that lines exist. Lines that they say shouldn’t be crossed. Lines that they say couldn’t be crossed.

Barriers that stop you from doing things, these barriers do exist.

But opportunities also exist, don’t they?

You take opportunities to cross these barriers.

I’m not encouraging people to be delusional though. That’s another matter.

Reality exists. Reality can’t be changed so easily.

But it can be changed.

And that’s what matters right?

Small steps, baby steps, even if it’s not a giant leap. Seek opportunities. Use the lines not to define the things you can’t do, but what you can do.

So this is for the reality, for society, for those who denied me, and for me who couldn’t and wouldn’t believe before.

Shut up and let me be.

I’ll fail because I failed and not because you pushed me down.

I’ll dream on and face the bitter truth. I’ll dream on and face the harshness of rejection.

I’ll dream and get hurt in the process of falling down.

But the satisfaction of trying, believing, fighting for my visions will rest with me. It will rest with my God who will be, and who is already a part of fight in this sick and demented society.

Yeah. I’ll dream on and break down in the process. I might get tired of it sometime. But it’s better than getting tired of not trying. It’s better than getting tired of following the rules dictated by this temporary world.

Reality will reject me. Society will surely eat me.

But I’ll still be a dreamer that I truly am.