Now I can recount the tales of my
botched eventful interview. The fact that I am typing this means I can finally remember it without having the urge to face palm or cringe or burst into tears. Hoorah.
This might be longer than the usual, because there are some rants, some random thoughts, and some lessons in life that people already know but somehow I was excluded in the list of people who were supposed to know and understand. Kidding. I am already digressing. Pardon my wandering mind.
So here goes the story, well let’s start from the very beginning, shall we?
February 8, 2015 (Sunday)
The Exam. Dundundundun. So it started out okay, there was reading comprehension, vocabs, etc. I could still answer confidently. The next parts consisted of abstract and spatial reasoning. And my answers for that part were pure (okay maybe not purely, mostly) conjecture. And by conjecture I mean lucky guesses. And when I say lucky guesses, it really does not apply to me. Because I was unlucky enough to be under an umbrella when God rained down good luck for guessing. Long story short, it sucked. And I learned that people should not shop when depressed because it makes them buy things they usually don’t buy.
April 10, 2015 (Friday)
The results came out. My siblings told me the results came out. Nothing else. Just the results. No: “You passed!!”, no: “Say, are you sure you took the exam? Because I did not see your name in the list of passer.”. The neutrality of their statement was enough to send off a warning in my brain because people usually don’t like to be the bearer of bad news and people usually grab the opportunity to be the first to say the good news.
So I checked the website and it was very uncooperative as it wouldn’t load properly. Hahaha. So hello foreshadowing. The moment I accessed the website I just knew it. My name wasn’t included there. And my dreams of going into that law school got into an accident and went into comatose.
Naturally I cried. I was rejected. Hello. Rejected. Sure, it’s not the end of the world but can you blame me for feeling? I had to let a little steam out. I felt that my path suddenly crumbled down and I had no where else to go. What little confidence I had in myself went into smithereens once again. A person said that I just didn’t want to go to interview. Sure I don’t. Why would I want to? There’s also the fact that I felt like I was a disappointment to my family. Or at least to my siblings. They passed the exams while I had to wait for another chance through the interview. It sucks I tell you. It’s all in my mind. It sure is. But your own thoughts are pervasive. You live with them. It’s not like there’s an on/off switch button for thinking. I’d have installed one in my brain if there is. Fortunately, at least you can change these thoughts. Easier said than done though.
May 12, 2015 (Tuesday)
I was at home, contemplating life, (kidding, I was just resting because life) when somebody messaged me.
“You passed for interview!!!!”. O_O
And thus the doctor told me my dream of going into that school still has a chance of waking up from its comatose state.
It was kind of embarrassing. . . Wait no, it was totally embarrassing for me because people kept congratulating me and tagging me on Facebook or what have you. Because in my mind I was like: “Now they know I didn’t pass the exam so I have to take the interview. @_@” and “Damn if they see the results for the interview they’ll know I didn’t pass.” Awkward. Totally awkward. But yeah, I know I should be grateful for the chance, don’t get me wrong. (Hello ungratefulness and arrogance. Please go away now. Please go away forever.)
I am kind of grateful. Just. Confused maybe. A little bit lost and kind of overwhelmed.
Since I got into the list of interviewees, I had to prepare, right? Right.
Please see earlier blog post for the preparation part of the interview. *shameless plug*.
So in between the day of the announcement that I passed for interview and the day of the interview, I asked myself what my choices are. I could go to the interview, but there’s a risk that I won’t get accepted. I could just go to other law schools and enroll while it was still early. I could apply for jobs or look for scholarships abroad. I could live a bum life and introspect first (if I don’t get kicked out of our house)
There were so. Many. Choices.
It was overwhelming and frightening.
And I believe in God. I do. I believe in His plans. I believe in fate and destiny. But how should I know what His plans for me are? How should I know if I’m following the right path and career choice?
Insert existential angst here.
But then I had a light bulb moment.
It’s all just a matter of preference and dedication. Because really, no matter how I choose the easy path, it will always, always be difficult somehow. And I know that’s no excuse to make things difficult for myself or to just give up and live the bum life (because I believe that the bum life can be pretty hard too). That’s reality. There’s no use in running away from it because it will always catch up.
Life can be difficult. Life is difficult.
There is actually a duaa (prayer) for studying something difficult: “Oh Allah! Nothing is easy except what You have made easy. If You wish, You can make the difficult easy” which I believe applies to life in general as well. So we should just pray pray pray. Yes we should.
I decided to take the risk and go for the interview obviously. Because I told myself I couldn’t, shouldn’t give up on another dream because this time it will surely kill me.
Funny enough, I told myself before the interview that if I fail (and I did) at least I finally experienced a panel interview. Hoorah hoorah. Sad that I forgot this lesson for a moment but I was reminded by a good (best) friend of mine who may or may not be reading this. Thanks yo.
And finally here is the day of the panel interview.
June 15, 2015 (Monday)
Before I went to the interview I prayed.
“Oh Allah! If in Your Knowledge this action which I intend to do is better for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then make it destined for me and make it easy for me and then add blessings [baraka’] in it, for me. O Allah! In Your Knowledge if this action is bad for me, bad for my religion and faith, for my life and end [death], for here [in this world] and the hereafter then turn it away from me and turn me away from it and whatever is better for me, ordain [destine] that for me and then make me satisfied with it.“
So I told myself whatever happened, yeah it was meant to be.
I arrived at the college of law around 11am to inquire about the interview details. My inner OC-ness demanded that they should have posted a notice with the details near the entrance so interviewees won’t have to ask around and disturb the staff, but they didn’t. They must have been trying to reduce their paper consumption, with all the cases and textbooks that they have to use.
There were case-reporting people (because in my undergrad, students who have case reports looks like them) scattered along the corridors and seated near a room.They looked like this, minus the smiles and replace them with worried/nervous frowns: I asked the person sitting in front a table near the door about the details. She told me to go to room XXX (because I conveniently forgot the room number) and to ask about the details later at 12 noon. Sure. Yeah. Okay.
So I spent an hour at the library, not thinking about life and reflecting about my decision, no. I was merely thinking again about how to answer them when they I ask why I decided to pursue Law. So I Google searched. Yes, I depended on a search engine for some of the answers to life. Because as I mentioned before, I’m selfish with my thoughts and I thought that my wishy-washy idealistic answer wouldn’t pass through.
It was nearing 12 noon when I decided to go back to venue. I met a few co-interviewees. I was thinking to myself should I be talking to them? I’d just get distracted and all that. And I’m kind of shy and I didn’t want to lose my focus (because I tend to get chatty sometimes). But in the end I talked to them of course. I learned that most of them were from the province and they do understand Tagalog but they prefer English. So I was forced to speak and think in English while all I wanted was to talk in Tagalog, kasi ayoko na ma-nosebleed wala pa ngang interview [I don’t want to get a nosebleed before the interview.] @_@. But I considered it as a last minute training for the interview so it was cool.
It was finally 1pm when they decided to guide us to a room where we answered out a form that had questions like: “Why law? Favorite subjects, Strengths, etc..” which I believe I answered pretty badly due to time constraint (we were only given 15 minutes to answer both the form and the essay question) and personal constraint (i.e. “Wait, What is my favorite subject? Hmmmmm. What are my alternatives if I do not pass for this law school? Should I write this down? Should I lie?! What? @_@“)
So after the written part, there’s another waiting part. I was number 6 so I had to wait for the 5 other people to be interviewed first. It was kind of nerve-wracking and I would have spaced out if my co-interviewees didn’t talk to me.
Speaking of co-interviewees, one of the panels pretended to be one.
He talked to us, asked us about things, and all that. And I did something wrong which I really regret doing because it involved not only me but my siblings. I kind of mentioned to the Pretender (yes, I shall call him the Pretender even though I know his name, but he might have lied when we asked his name) that I already had two siblings in that certain law school and that I feel kind of down because I had to go the interview and I might have mentioned how my siblings saw my passing the interview in a bad way (i.e.“Yuck, for interview lang. Ewww.”) which I just realized is not totally true because they were kind of supportive in a tough love way (i.e. “Kaya mo na ‘yan” [You can do it], “Sisigawan ka baka umiyak ka, humanda ka na,”[They’ll shout at you, so you better prepare] “oh may sagot ka na? Mag-isip ka na”, [You better think of an answer.] etc.).
And I feel so bad that I had let my pessimism and own view color my words which could potentially damage their reputations. It was my own thinking that passing for the interview is bad and inferior, not my siblings. To my siblings who might or might not read this I am so sorry that I mentioned to others how you give tough love and that outsiders might have misconstrued it that you were pushing me down. And I want to look for that person and say to him: “Kuya opinion ko lang po yun at ‘di nila sinabi yun kasi pessimistic po ako at nagka-Freudian slip ako sorry po.” [It was only my opinion and they did not really say it because I’m just pessimistic and I had a Freudian slip, I’m sorry]
That aside, he asked a couple more questions which included why Law, and he said he (non-verbatim) “was pursuing law for the allowance, etc.” and I might have joked that because it was near our house even though deep inside I was judging him for being one of the baon people which I know I have no right to judge him for.
So after talking to us, he suddenly entered the room. And poof, all my co-interviewees went like this (non-verbatim): “Oh my God pumasok s’ya ng room! Panelist nga s’ya. Ahhh.” [The person went inside the room, he really is a panelist! Ahhh.] and things.
So waiting, waiting, waiting, I just wanted to wait in silence, and I did, aside from the few epic verbal mistakes because I tend to spew out lines without thinking when I get nervous. Sad life. I met a few amazing people though, it was cool.
It was finally my turn. Hooorraaaaaah. Let’s get this over with.
I prayed hard before I entered the room. I prayed:“O my Lord! Open for me my chest (grant me self-confidence, contentment, and boldness). And ease my task for me; And make loose the knot (the defect) from my tongue, (i.e. remove the incorrectness from my speech). That they understand my speech,” – Al-Qur’an, 20.025-28 (Ta Ha [Ta Ha])
I entered the interview room and I felt disoriented.
I cannot recount the details fully anymore because. . . . (1) I am kind of embarrassed, (2) my memory is not that clear and (3) I am too lazy to type it all (this has really been a long post for me).
To summarize: I just made mistake after mistake. I didn’t hear the panelist well, and they didn’t hear me well too. I was not able to answer some of their questions directly and sufficiently because I kind of used motherhood statements and did not provide enough details to my answers. I just blundered through it.
It didn’t even last five minutes. And this time I’m not even exaggerating. I entered the room about 4:24pm (can’t remember exactly) and went out of the room around 4:28pm,
Yeah. It was that bad.
And I cried hard afterwards because I knew I did something wrong. And what frustrated me the most was that I did not fully express myself and thoughts well to the panelist when most of the time I could express myself well and get the message across easily.
Could have. Should have. Would have.
But let this be a lesson learned, that we should be forward-looking and not backward-looking because people can get injured when they don’t look at where they’re going. Hopefully, I’ll remember and embody this. I should probably plaster it on my hand or something.
June 22, 2015 (Monday)
So I mourned about a week, both internally and externally for my mistakes. Because you know, mistakes. I know we have to move on and all that but let me feel first so that I won’t have to feel much again in the future.
The results came out.
And of course the waterworks came even though I knew the results. Of course, this kind of thinking is hindsight bias (for those who do not know, Google says it’s: also known as the knew-it-all-along effect or creeping determinism, is the inclination, after an event has occurred, to see the event as having been predictable, despite there having been little or no objective basis for predicting it.). Closure at last.
If I got accepted knowing that I blundered through it, I would have done my best (hopefully) but I would’ve felt uneasy knowing there are others who could be more deserving.
So I cried because I got rejected again, for the second time by that school. (And perhaps. . . I can also blame the short-cut virus which infected my laptop and I fear that it may have also infected our desktop too but thank God for Google, HFV and anti-virus because what is paranoid: me). I cried because for a moment I doubted again.
Things happen for a reason.
We just have to believe. Believe and do our best.
So let’s end this post with a hadith, “a record of the traditions or sayings of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)“:
“No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allaah’s decree.
If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from it you cannot flee.”
― Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab“