Random Ramblings (2017 Edition)

2017 is the year of the Trigger.

I mean it in the most politically correct sense. I was about to write something about using the word trigger in the correct sense because let’s face it, the word is totally misused this year that it harms those who have legitimate triggers for their various disease but yes, let’s not get carried away. But wait, this is just my random ramblings so I can do anything, yey!

2017 is one heck of a roller coaster ride, we’ve had so many ups and down. I’m just going to choose some highlights because it will be too long if I write down all of it. Lol.

I started off the year okay, and by okay I mean really, okay. I was as healthy as I can be. Hooray. I got great professors, and I learned a lot. But. I just had to get triggered to ruin it all. One mishap. One bad thing. Everything went down. My insecurities, my fears, my doubts, they all came crashing down. It wasn’t their fault, no, I was just triggered. That was it. I got sick more often than not all throughout the year.

I got the result to one of the final exams, I passed. People would think I should be happy and grateful but I wasn’t. I was horrified. I got a lower grade than my stellar sibling. I was overreacting maybe but it was one of the moments where I felt less than half of a dignified person that deserved to die. I failed one subject that I wasn’t supposed to fail because God knows how many times I’ve taken that subject already but it was a blessing in disguise so that’s okay. Things happen for a reason.

I got another checkup because I just wanted to clear everything, and I had to get over my complexes. It didn’t go as I expected. I was called immature.

I thought what they labeled as immature was my desire to help people, so I got mad and rebelled. I will be nice and bloody help people even if it kills me. It’s only recently that I realized that no, my altruistic desire is not immature. What’s immature is when you have no boundaries. When you enable people to take advantage of you when you worry other people because you have no sense of self-preservation, not only is that immature, that is one of the most selfish things you can do. I did not heed the advice of my friends and family who kept on reminding me harshly, just so I can have something left for myself. It’s nice to give, but you cannot keep on giving yourself away to the point that nothing is left because how can you keep on giving.

Nothing is wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with the fact that you keep nothing to yourself that you had to worry the people who care for you. For that, I sincerely thank and apologize to my loved ones for the reminders and the support. Thank you so much.

I was cycling between hurt and unfeeling throughout the year. I had some ups too, and I got my 2017 plot twist when I got the internship I was expecting not to get. Yey. There are a lot of things I want to write about but meh.

Most liberating moment of the year: Philippine Model Congress 2017. Nobody knew me when I joined it. No pressure from anyone. No professors to grade me, no parents to tell me what to do, no classmates to expect anything from me, no friends to keep up the happy facade. Nothing. (Except the time somebody mentioned my current occupation and I just wanted the ground to swallow me hahaha). Sure there were a lot of times I wanted to kill some ignorant people there, but here’s to hoping that they learn since I let them live. LOL.

Most awkward moment of the year: When my mom thought I was on a date. Me. A wallflower. A weeb. A cat lady. Out on a date. WTF. Hahaha. Huhu. -_-

The lesson of the year: People betray, God does not.

I would give out more awards but I’m going to say they’re too many to mention. Lol.

2017 had its ups and down.

Mental Health Act. Mental health is now gaining awareness in the Philippines. Mass actions like rally and other protests against the wrongs of the administration were held.

The Marawi Siege, Vinta PH, attacks on Rohingya, Syria, Palestine, and a lot more, they are disasters which could have been prevented or at least mitigated with proper management. They’re complex issues but we can help with simple solutions. We’re still alive, and we can do something, that’s what truly matters.

My 2017’s hashtag was #laban2017 or #fighting2017. And fight, we did. We shall continue on doing so.

So yeaaah, here’s the longest random rambling of my year.

Thank you so much to everyone. To my readers (lol. hello there) that reads my blog, to my new friends that I met, to the old and loyal friends that stayed, to my classmates who helped me, to my professors who guided me, to the people that betrayed but served as a lesson, to my family that were always there for me, and most especially to God, Allah (SWT). Alhamdulillah (praise God) for everything.

Cheers to a more hopeful and helpful year ahead.

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Loyalty and Cruelty

I am capable of both. I’ve been described as both, but only by those I deemed to deserve such treatment.

In my relationships, be it platonic or romantic (LOL, as if I’ve ever been in such a relationship), I am very loyal to my friends. I do what I can for them, because that is what true friends are for in my mind. In fact, some say I do too much. I overreach and step over boundaries. Call it an impulse, a quirk, a compulsion, but I sometimes care too much. In Filipino, we call that “pakialamera”, or in English, a very nosy person, which I have been called since time immemorial, as early as high school.

I don’t give a f*** for other people, strangers, or people I deem to be out of my circle. My energy is not enough. I have walls for that, a wall of obliviousness, and a wall of icy politeness. My family call me a bleeding heart; my friend who really knows me calls my heart a steel just covered in cotton, deceptively soft.

I have and will apologize, for overstepping boundaries, but I will never say sorry again for caring. Never. To deny me as a person of my need to care, would be to deny me as a person. It is to deny me of my personality. It breaks me, it always breaks me when I hear people say to me to take care of myself first.

Contrary to popular belief, I do practice self-care. My self-care is sleeping, helping when I can, and doing my hobbies. Sleeping makes me feel revitalized, and helps me reorganize my thoughts, and y’all sleeping is life. I help people when I can, because it will bloody hunt me forever if I don’t. It’s not self-care for me to ignore people. It kills my conscience. It kills my heart. I do these things not because I am expecting something in return, no. I do this for my God. I do this for me. I am loyal to a fault, and I acknowledge that.

What some people overlook though, is how I am capable of cruelty. I am not a pushover. I am not a f***ing doormat. I just have a lot of self-restraint, because if and when I choose to heed my vindictive urges, I will not only hurt the person who betrays me but I will also end up hurting myself. My doctor told me that I was too patient to the point that it consumes, and yet when I told him I wanted to be angry, to get mad, and to fight back, oh dear no, that’s not allowed, heaven forbid that I attack other people.

Stop confusing me.

This is not a threat. I am just saying it out loud. What I am capable of. A promise, a warning, because even I don’t know what I’ll do when provoked or pushed through my limits. I don’t lose people. People lose me.

As for romantic relationships, I have never been in one. There are a lot of factors, mostly because of religion (marriage is the only romantic relationship I can officially enter into with another person) and personal trust issues. Main reason would be because like I said, I am loyal to a fault. I will not enter into one without a guarantee that the other person will be loyal to me, or at the very least to God, because it will break me. I will not let a person break it, not without my permission, because I know I will try to shoulder and fix it on my own, with or without the other party’s effort and it will tire me out and kill me. I believe that the nicest way to end a relationship is to never start it in the first place. I’m not closed off to the thought, I just have a very high standard.

So yes, in the meanwhile I’ll be happy living as a cat lady, and an awesome tita with my friends.

I am loyal to my friends, and cruel to my enemies. People be warned.

At the end of the day though, people betray. God does not.

Struggling

Let’s not suffer the what ifs and focus on what’s happening. Difficult, but hey, there’s nothing else to do.

I think a problem with our generation is that we automatically associate effort with success, which is definitely not true. It is disheartening, giving it your all only to receive nothing.

In a perfect world, sure, whatever effort you place you’re guaranteed results that you want. But not in this world. That is not to say we should just give up, because what’s the point? The point is in the trying, and lessening the inevitable self blame if we fail. We tried.

Which is why I will always find the saying Ora et Labora beautiful. Prayer and hard work. There is always the element of chance no matter what. God’s will is greater than ours.

Fortune favors the brave? No. Fortune favors the prepared, and sometimes the undeserving. That is life.

What will happen, will happen.

#notetoself