So. 2018. So many plot twists and it’s not even 2019 yet.
My January and February went okay. March, however, is another matter. I dub the month as the month of rejection. I got rejected from a job, a part-time job, and a personal life matter. It’s okay, I’m used to it. That’s just life.
All was well, but then April came.
Bloody f***ing April.
I don’t know what’s the matter with the moon (effing horoscopes, if it can even be relied upon, I did not ask to be a Cancer, or whatever okay) or the stress (bloody law school and its crazy people), or just myself (my tendency to be a little bit crazy every now and then).
April is the month where my relationships went to chaos. And by chaos I mean somebody set it on fire and I had to stop myself from pouring oil to the fire. I had to look for a fire extinguisher so at least the fire died, but so am I. Dead inside. Kidding. Just maybe dying. Ish. Somewhat, sorta, maybe. The point is, I’m just tired. Dead tired. Idk how I’m moving hahaha.
Like, it gets tiring to hear “you’re too nice”, “you’re a pushover”, and whatever. What most people don’t know is that I have an effing anger management issues. I’m neither nice nor patient. I just restrain myself from saying the things I know I would regret. I inherited the sharp tongue of my parents, I just don’t show it except when I really, really snap. My patience is not infinite. Sad to say, I snapped, and I wanted everything to burn, but nooooo. I gotta be the better person, gotta be good, gotta be nice. I would have committed much more serious offense if I weren’t so religious. I’m just trying to be a decent human being, okay? Not my fault society changed its definition of decent to the point that I could be labelled as a saint. Like wtf. Seriously?
April is also the month of acceptance. I got accepted into an org, which I have been applying for over a year, and I finally accepted things which I should have accepted years ago. And that I badly need self-care. I suck at it. If it weren’t for my friends and family, I would have no sense of self-preservation at all.
I also have accepted that I attract weird people. I thought opposites attract. Why can’t I attract normal people as friends? Well, to quote one of my friends “birds of a feather flock together”. I have received this picture too many times to count, from different people. It is kinda flattering. But tiring. I did not ask to be this way. I just am.
When God made self-care rain I was hiding under a rock. I need a break. Sometimes I would get jealous with other people who have significant others who would take care of them but then I would be reminded that I have my significant people who love and support me, and that people betray but God does not. I also should probably take care of myself. Probably.
So this month of April is all about acceptance, that human-beings are weak, that there are those who would abuse and take-advantage of other people but there are those who would give light despite the darkness.
Keep faith, be strong.
Some would say that what I am doing is foolish, but hey, April Fool’s month everybody.