Random Ramblings: Midyear Edition (2018)

I usually do a very long random rambling post at the end of the year as a reminder to myself of what happened, but recently I’ve had so many awkward and weird realizations that I had to write about. So yeah. Here it goes. It’s gonna be long, probably, so you can just scroll down to the summary.

First of all, it feels weird to suddenly realize that people read my posts. Which is stupid, I know. I should have written it in a private journal then. What I meant was, I just write because I like it, and I feel flattered and at the same time mortified at the thought of people reading this. I guess I share my thoughts in the hopes of helping anyone who might think it useful, or even amusing. Most people don’t comment and just like, perhaps to keep this one-sided feels of a blog posts. Still. It’s weird. Let’s pretend this never happened ayt? Don’t even attempt to use this as blackmail material because “I will look for you, I will find you, and I will-“ (I haven’t actually watched Taken yet, I probably should add it to my growing list of backlogs.) Kidding. I’d appreciate any comments of sorts as long as its of a nice nature and not of the blackmail kind.

Anyway, it feels weird to have to filter myself once I realized people could be reading this, but free speech is for the speech you hate not for the speech you love (so they say). Fake news is another matter, it should not be a protected speech. But let’s not go into that debate yet. My “haters” could politely get off my website and stop reading this as a form of self-torture. I also admit to feeling selfish with my thoughts. No. Seriously. This blog of mine should be accessible only to the people I trust (strangers who don’t know me LOL, and selected friends). And now I am forever disturbed by the thought that someone unworthy is reading this. But it’s a good thing actually, because it made me realize things. Shitty things, but a realization nonetheless.

At the same time, it feels weird to realized that you’ve been placed on a pedestal. It. Is. F***ing. Stressful. And I felt so mortified when I realized I bloody did it to another person that I can’t even apologize to properly because that would be another awkward conversation and a can of worms that I really do not want to open since the other party probably did not notice and does not care. . . . ugh this is vague posting. I feel sad I lost a chance to make a new friend because of fangirling tendencies and at the same time embarrassed because I am usually perceptive about these kind of things. And ugh. I’m just a normal human-being with a sense of introspection slightly above average that should NOT be placed on a pedestal EVER. Or perhaps it’s just the privilege talking, since I only recently realized that what I consider normal is not really normal. It depends on the context. Maybe I’m so used to pressure coming from myself and family that I do not appreciate (and will destroy unconsciously, but most of the time consciously) anything I consider as someone placing any expectation on me.

See, this is why I find it so ironic that I placed another person on a pedestal when I hate it so much. Talk about hypocrisy. Good news is, like a decent person, I am trying hard to change that.

Vague post, according to Urban Dictionary, contains no context and remains unclear and confusing to most if not all of the readers. The best thing about vague posting is that people don’t know who you’re talking about unless they confront you, and the worst thing about it is that they really won’t know who it is unless you confirm it. Ah the wonders of deniability.

It. Is. Not. A GOOD THING. Like f*** it, it just adds hate to the world. (Well if you’re gonna be explicit about a thing, then go ahead. Talk it out like a decent person. Except the gov’t. F*** ’em if they don’t listen, please do rant about and against dictatorship all you want and join movements if you can). Negative vague posting serves as a challenge to other people, a call to attention, if the shoe fits, “Bato-bato sa langit, tamaan ‘wag magalit”, etc. Social media is public. So be prepared to face opposition, or don’t post at all. Most of us are stuck in an echochamber recently. That and trolls are becoming more annoying and persistent. Avoid engaging them as much as possible. Or not. Idk what the right protocol is in handling them, don’t trust me on this.

On the other hand, positive vague posting is sometimes useless. Sure it would probably be better for the speaker to release some pent up emotions but it is useless on the part of the intended receiver, because wtf did you expect about that post which could have been pertaining to anyone?! Some people vague post with the hopes of catching the attention of the intended receiver, real talk: they won’t talk to you even if they feel like it was them you were talking about because it is bloody VAGUE. Like message that person or whatever. I am guilty of vague posting, and I am trying to stop like what I said because I just realized how awkward and annoying it is.

Sad isn’t it? That most people only stop and realize that what they’re doing is wrong when they’re placed in the exact position. The good news is, for every realization we can now take a step towards redemption.

Second, law school is very stressful but recently I’ve been in idgaf mode. I’ve been wondering if this was all a mistake, but of course it’s not. I don’t regret a thing, except some moments of self-sabotage, but other than that nothing else. I’ve met wonderful people and learned a lot. I tried out moot court this year, and though it was just a college competition it was still nerve-wracking. By nerve-wracking I mean I was tempted for awhile to go AWOL because of it and it did cause some breakdowns but hey, I survived. Might even try again? Haha. Ha. Fat chance.

I’ve been feeling out of it lately. I have no other life at all, except for law school. Which is sad. Is this what they call quarterlife crisis? LOL. I’ve been feeling useless and a failure. I know I’m not a total failure though, just a bit.

On the bright side, there’s nothing bad about law school being the only life, even if the judiciary system has been disrespected, disparaged, and disregarded (*insert more verbs here*) by the current administration. All the more reason to keep on fighting for it and to correct it,

Third, to give with the expectation of receiving tbe same thing from a person will kill you. Probably. It is selfish and pointless. Selfish because doing it is for the sake of self gratification, and pointless since not everybody will reciprocate. Just follow the golden rule. Be a decent human-being, but self-care is needed. Though to be fair, it gets annoying when some try to justify their wrong behavior for self-care. Stop it. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong just admit it. It’s disrespectful to use the concept of self-care as an excuse to be shitty when others are struggling to even do it.

Fourth, “death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes-“. I love that song. Anyway, death is inevitable. Having a disease that can kill is no different from dying in a car crash. It just happens and comes to a shock to people. What’s painful is when it could have been prevented and when it is pointless. Suicide, EJKs, poverty, etc. Pointless. Everyone dies yet people would sell their soul for land, power, and money.

I have also broken all of my new year’s resolution spectacularly which included boundaries. Currently reestablishing them with the hopes of it being permanent or at the very least last for more than six months. Looking back at it, it has been an exhausting year for everyone. And before I go on full on angst mode let’s end here.

To summarize this random post like I promised at the start:

  • Humans are humans. Not God. They don’t belong on pedestals to be worshipped.
  • Fake news is bad. So are trolls. And vague posting.
  • Law school is crazy.
  • Be nice, even to yourself.
  • Death is inevitable. Live to the fullest. Stand by your principles.
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Cautiously Optimistic: Mental Health Law

Last thursday, June 21, 2018, R.A. 11036 was signed into law in the Philippines. R.A. 11036 is also known as the Mental Health Act of 2017.

I couldn’t find a copy of it yet, but here is the Senate Bill: https://www.aseanlip.com/philippines/general/legislation/bill-of-the-mental-health-act-of-2017/AL13877

When I first heard the news, I wasn’t overjoyed. In fact, I was a bit indifferent. What would a mere law do when the society itself rejects the very thought of mental illnesses? What would a mere law do against the prejudice and stigma attached to the idea? What would it do against the people denying, disrespecting, and downright violating the rights of others?

What?

When I read the bill, my thoughts changed and I could only hope.

Hope.

Hope that this first step taken towards the recognition and acceptance will not be for naught. The act contained provisions recognizing the rights of people; particularly the “Service Users”, the family members, and to my pleasure the “Mental Health Professionals” as defined by the law. It is an affirmative action, an action that the privileged may not appreciate but it’s not for them so they shouldn’t whine. The cynic in me agrees that such law is useless. Then again, it is not. Hope is not useless. It should not be. It never will be.

The law explicitly said rights, and not privilege. It did not state any discounts, free passes, or ‘special treatment’. The treatment provided for by the law refers to a treatment of an illness, not special treatment which people with a grand sense of entitlement feel they have. Rights. They are rights which any human being should possess and should be respected. With the statement of the rights, one can hope that it will be better protected and respected, at least in a legal battle.

The law provided for guidelines on providing mental health services. Mental. Health. Services. Health Service. What a wonderful creature that I wish to be created holistically with other fields. Wow. What a concept.

“Sec. 14. Mental Health Services at the Community Level. – Within the general health care system, the following mental health services shall be developed and integrated into the primary health care system at the community level:

(a) Basic mental health services, which shall be made available at all local government units down to the barangay level;

(b) Community resilience and psychosocial well-being training in all barangays, including the availability of mental health and psychosocial support services during and after natural disasters and other calamities;

(c) Training and capacity-building programs for local mental health workers in coordination with mental health facilities and departments of psychiatry in general or university hospitals;

(d) Support services for families and co-workers of service users, mental health professionals, and mental health workers; and

(e) Dissemination of mental health information and promotion of mental health awareness among the general population.”

And there’s more:

Sec. 17. Integration of Mental Health into the Educational System. – The State shall ensure the integration of the mental health into the educational system, as follows:

(a) Age-appropriate content pertaining to mental health shall be integrated into the curriculum at all educational levels; and

(b) Psychiatry and neurology shall be required subjects in all medical and allied health courses, including post-graduate courses in health.”

The cited provisions are just part of the whole law, there’s more of it which covers concerns regarding mental health. Recognition and education, the two main things that we try and work for the society to receive. Recognition that mental health is as real as it can be, and education to help people recognize it as such. Mental disorders should be treated, not exalted or celebrated. Nobody celebrates flu or cancer. (Do they? That’s weird.)

I hope that it will be enough, enough as a first step. The fight is not over. It has only just begun. It is only a law, and the execution of it will be for anyone to guess and to guard. Until there are those who think that mental disorders are unreal, who think having problems with mental health as merely an excuse for shitty behavior (Real talk: it’s f*cking not. There’s no excuse for bad behavior, only reasons); until there are those who romanticize suicide, I can only be cautiously optimistic.

April Fool’s Month

So. 2018. So many plot twists and it’s not even 2019 yet.

My January and February went okay. March, however, is another matter. I dub the month as the month of rejection. I got rejected from a job, a part-time job, and a personal life matter. It’s okay, I’m used to it. That’s just life.

All was well, but then April came.

Bloody f***ing April.

I don’t know what’s the matter with the moon (effing horoscopes, if it can even be relied upon, I did not ask to be a Cancer, or whatever okay) or the stress (bloody law school and its crazy people), or just myself (my tendency to be a little bit crazy every now and then).

April is the month where my relationships went to chaos. And by chaos I mean somebody set it on fire and I had to stop myself from pouring oil to the fire. I had to look for a fire extinguisher so at least the fire died, but so am I. Dead inside. Kidding. Just maybe dying. Ish. Somewhat, sorta, maybe. The point is, I’m just tired. Dead tired. Idk how I’m moving hahaha.

Like, it gets tiring to hear “you’re too nice”, “you’re a pushover”, and whatever. What most people don’t know is that I have an effing anger management issues. I’m neither nice nor patient. I just restrain myself from saying the things I know I would regret. I inherited the sharp tongue of my parents, I just don’t show it except when I really, really snap. My patience is not infinite. Sad to say, I snapped, and I wanted everything to burn, but nooooo. I gotta be the better person, gotta be good, gotta be nice. I would have committed much more serious offense if I weren’t so religious. I’m just trying to be a decent human being, okay? Not my fault society changed its definition of decent to the point that I could be labelled as a saint. Like wtf. Seriously?

April is also the month of acceptance. I got accepted into an org, which I have been applying for over a year, and I finally accepted things which I should have accepted years ago. And that I badly need self-care. I suck at it. If it weren’t for my friends and family, I would have no sense of self-preservation at all.

I also have accepted that I attract weird people. I thought opposites attract. Why can’t I attract normal people as friends? Well, to quote one of my friends “birds of a feather flock together”.  I have received this picture too many times to count, from different people. It is kinda flattering. But tiring. I did not ask to be this way. I just am.received_2055705131110754.png

When God made self-care rain I was hiding under a rock. I need a break. Sometimes I would get jealous with other people who have significant others who would take care of them but then I would be reminded that I have my significant people who love and support me, and that people betray but God does not. I also should probably take care of myself. Probably.

So this month of April is all about acceptance, that human-beings are weak, that there are those who would abuse and take-advantage of other people but there are those who would give light despite the darkness.

Keep faith, be strong.

Some would say that what I am doing is foolish, but hey, April Fool’s month everybody.

In loving memory of the girl who tried

She was bright and joyful. She would greet people with a smile, she would wave happily at anyone she knew. She would love unconditionally. She was a bit childish, light and airy. Quite immature, some would say.

She was a natural pacifist, and hated conflicts. She would listen with an open mind, and she would try her best to mediate. She was rational but would nevertheless be stubborn and fight for what she thinks is right.

She was an idealist born in a world of opportunities, and so she tried.

But she tried too hard.

Her world turned into disappointment, lies and broken promises. She was naive, they said. She was too softhearted, they said. As she tried to keep her heart, her humanity despite everything, she kept on losing.

Still she tried. She walked on. She tried to hide her weariness and hatred deep down. She choked on the vitriolic words she could have said but did not say. She held herself tightly as she was falling apart. She held back even though she knew she should only walk forward.

She was better than that. She could do better than that. She is only human.

The girl who tried turned into the girl who was tired.

She did not have a healing aura, she was only doing what she thinks is right. She did not attract damaged people, society just changed to the point nobody knew how to handle themselves. She did not have the job of healing everyone but she wanted to. She tried.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Stupidly, she still tried.

This is in loving memory of the girl who tried.

With the help of God, she will be back and she will be better. She’ll return one day and then she will be the girl who did.

Neurotic

Note: Written in 2010 for Poetry Slam in HS

Strong, brave, responsible, trusthworthy
That’s what other people say but is that really me?
As I stare into the mirror, all I see is the converse
A weak entity existing in the universe

Sometimes I don’t want to do what I can
For surely you’ll expect more and again
I’m frustrated, confused, and exhausted
Sometimes I wish for my deathbed

Left, right, up, and down
These things that make me drown
Hallucination and imagination
For me I see no distinction

Stop! Stop. I want everything to stop
But unfortunately the next best thing for me is to stop
Time won’t halt for one person
Especially for something so wanton

Call me crazy, overreacting, or depressed
For me I just want and need to rest
To regain my energy and be the best that I can be
The truth is I don’t know what’s wrong with me

For the mean time, stay away from me
Let me sulk in peace and break down sadly
I don’t want you to see me so vulnerable
The sadness of others cause me more to be miserable

How to Talk to an Awkward Turtle

So hello, for my first blog post of the year I will be talking about my awkwardness and how to talk to awkward people like me! Isn’t that fun? *runs away from people*

I was an extroverted child, then as I grew up I don’t know what happened. I notice things that people don’t and maybe the stimulus gets too much which is why some people would describe me both as sensitive and dense. I know too much and too little at the same time. I can talk and socialize when needed, but I prefer listening and observing.

Anyway, since it is the month of February, and although we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day, and I’m basically a wallflower, I’ve had my fair share of romance *coughs awkwardly* if I can even call it that.

I’ve never confessed to anyone. Except maybe that one time during my highschool graduation ball but my friends told me it wasn’t a proper one since it was after the fact, meaning I told the person I liked them 2 years before the confession type. Shrewd and pointless right??? I was so awkward back then, oh wait I still am.

Nobody ever confessed to me. Except that nice person who I had to turn down politely because I was too surprised and I didn’t know what to do. The poor kid had bad tastes in liking me. I felt guilty that they had to spell it out for me because I was kind of in denial and at the same time oblivous about what they were trying to say. Which brings me to my next point of the blog, the instructions!!! Tadaaaaa. Yes, I went from point A to point Z in a jiffy. Smooth talking *or writing*, right? Right. To the instructions we go!

1) Don’t talk in codes. Seriously. If you want to say something, borrow something, ask for a favor, or whatever, just SAY IT STRAIGHT. Awkward turtles will just waste time wondering why you’re talking to them in the first place and it sends warning signals in their brains.

2) Be careful with non-verbal communication. Since awkward turtles are awkward *I cannot emphasize this enough*, at the very least they are aware sometimes of what you are not saying and focuses on your actions. Awkward turtles have weird senses so they can warn themselves if they have to retreat in their shell. They startle easily.

3) Awkward turtles are turtles. They are SLOW. Whether it be in actions or understanding things, so have a little patience when socializing with them. Better yet, like the first instruction, go straight to the point.

4) If you find out the interests of an awkward turtle, they will go out of the shell. Since they rarely go out of their shells, they will most likely go all out when talking about it, so again, please have patience and don’t make them say sorry for their likes and passion.

5) If they talk to you out of their own will, be happy that they tried. Really. It’s of a great effort, unless you’re already close to them. Say it straight if they are bothering you, they won’t talk it against you because they’re expecting that they’re a bother.

Awkward turtles are happy with genuine and sincere people. I think even a non-awkward turtle would be.

So the main technique on how to talk to an awkward turtle? Just be real.

This is a public service post for the awkward turtles and nice people who want to talk to awkward turtles.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this helps. Lol.

Random Ramblings (2017 Edition)

2017 is the year of the Trigger.

I mean it in the most politically correct sense. I was about to write something about using the word trigger in the correct sense because let’s face it, the word is totally misused this year that it harms those who have legitimate triggers for their various disease but yes, let’s not get carried away. But wait, this is just my random ramblings so I can do anything, yey!

2017 is one heck of a roller coaster ride, we’ve had so many ups and down. I’m just going to choose some highlights because it will be too long if I write down all of it. Lol.

I started off the year okay, and by okay I mean really, okay. I was as healthy as I can be. Hooray. I got great professors, and I learned a lot. But. I just had to get triggered to ruin it all. One mishap. One bad thing. Everything went down. My insecurities, my fears, my doubts, they all came crashing down. It wasn’t their fault, no, I was just triggered. That was it. I got sick more often than not all throughout the year.

I got the result to one of the final exams, I passed. People would think I should be happy and grateful but I wasn’t. I was horrified. I got a lower grade than my stellar sibling. I was overreacting maybe but it was one of the moments where I felt less than half of a dignified person that deserved to die. I failed one subject that I wasn’t supposed to fail because God knows how many times I’ve taken that subject already but it was a blessing in disguise so that’s okay. Things happen for a reason.

I got another checkup because I just wanted to clear everything, and I had to get over my complexes. It didn’t go as I expected. I was called immature.

I thought what they labeled as immature was my desire to help people, so I got mad and rebelled. I will be nice and bloody help people even if it kills me. It’s only recently that I realized that no, my altruistic desire is not immature. What’s immature is when you have no boundaries. When you enable people to take advantage of you when you worry other people because you have no sense of self-preservation, not only is that immature, that is one of the most selfish things you can do. I did not heed the advice of my friends and family who kept on reminding me harshly, just so I can have something left for myself. It’s nice to give, but you cannot keep on giving yourself away to the point that nothing is left because how can you keep on giving.

Nothing is wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with the fact that you keep nothing to yourself that you had to worry the people who care for you. For that, I sincerely thank and apologize to my loved ones for the reminders and the support. Thank you so much.

I was cycling between hurt and unfeeling throughout the year. I had some ups too, and I got my 2017 plot twist when I got the internship I was expecting not to get. Yey. There are a lot of things I want to write about but meh.

Most liberating moment of the year: Philippine Model Congress 2017. Nobody knew me when I joined it. No pressure from anyone. No professors to grade me, no parents to tell me what to do, no classmates to expect anything from me, no friends to keep up the happy facade. Nothing. (Except the time somebody mentioned my current occupation and I just wanted the ground to swallow me hahaha). Sure there were a lot of times I wanted to kill some ignorant people there, but here’s to hoping that they learn since I let them live. LOL.

Most awkward moment of the year: When my mom thought I was on a date. Me. A wallflower. A weeb. A cat lady. Out on a date. WTF. Hahaha. Huhu. -_-

The lesson of the year: People betray, God does not.

I would give out more awards but I’m going to say they’re too many to mention. Lol.

2017 had its ups and down.

Mental Health Act. Mental health is now gaining awareness in the Philippines. Mass actions like rally and other protests against the wrongs of the administration were held.

The Marawi Siege, Vinta PH, attacks on Rohingya, Syria, Palestine, and a lot more, they are disasters which could have been prevented or at least mitigated with proper management. They’re complex issues but we can help with simple solutions. We’re still alive, and we can do something, that’s what truly matters.

My 2017’s hashtag was #laban2017 or #fighting2017. And fight, we did. We shall continue on doing so.

So yeaaah, here’s the longest random rambling of my year.

Thank you so much to everyone. To my readers (lol. hello there) that reads my blog, to my new friends that I met, to the old and loyal friends that stayed, to my classmates who helped me, to my professors who guided me, to the people that betrayed but served as a lesson, to my family that were always there for me, and most especially to God, Allah (SWT). Alhamdulillah (praise God) for everything.

Cheers to a more hopeful and helpful year ahead.

Loyalty and Cruelty

I am capable of both. I’ve been described as both, but only by those I deemed to deserve such treatment.

In my relationships, be it platonic or romantic (LOL, as if I’ve ever been in such a relationship), I am very loyal to my friends. I do what I can for them, because that is what true friends are for in my mind. In fact, some say I do too much. I overreach and step over boundaries. Call it an impulse, a quirk, a compulsion, but I sometimes care too much. In Filipino, we call that “pakialamera”, or in English, a very nosy person, which I have been called since time immemorial, as early as high school.

I don’t give a f*** for other people, strangers, or people I deem to be out of my circle. My energy is not enough. I have walls for that, a wall of obliviousness, and a wall of icy politeness. My family call me a bleeding heart; my friend who really knows me calls my heart a steel just covered in cotton, deceptively soft.

I have and will apologize, for overstepping boundaries, but I will never say sorry again for caring. Never. To deny me as a person of my need to care, would be to deny me as a person. It is to deny me of my personality. It breaks me, it always breaks me when I hear people say to me to take care of myself first.

Contrary to popular belief, I do practice self-care. My self-care is sleeping, helping when I can, and doing my hobbies. Sleeping makes me feel revitalized, and helps me reorganize my thoughts, and y’all sleeping is life. I help people when I can, because it will bloody hunt me forever if I don’t. It’s not self-care for me to ignore people. It kills my conscience. It kills my heart. I do these things not because I am expecting something in return, no. I do this for my God. I do this for me. I am loyal to a fault, and I acknowledge that.

What some people overlook though, is how I am capable of cruelty. I am not a pushover. I am not a f***ing doormat. I just have a lot of self-restraint, because if and when I choose to heed my vindictive urges, I will not only hurt the person who betrays me but I will also end up hurting myself. My doctor told me that I was too patient to the point that it consumes, and yet when I told him I wanted to be angry, to get mad, and to fight back, oh dear no, that’s not allowed, heaven forbid that I attack other people.

Stop confusing me.

This is not a threat. I am just saying it out loud. What I am capable of. A promise, a warning, because even I don’t know what I’ll do when provoked or pushed through my limits. I don’t lose people. People lose me.

As for romantic relationships, I have never been in one. There are a lot of factors, mostly because of religion (marriage is the only romantic relationship I can officially enter into with another person) and personal trust issues. Main reason would be because like I said, I am loyal to a fault. I will not enter into one without a guarantee that the other person will be loyal to me, or at the very least to God, because it will break me. I will not let a person break it, not without my permission, because I know I will try to shoulder and fix it on my own, with or without the other party’s effort and it will tire me out and kill me. I believe that the nicest way to end a relationship is to never start it in the first place. I’m not closed off to the thought, I just have a very high standard.

So yes, in the meanwhile I’ll be happy living as a cat lady, and an awesome tita with my friends.

I am loyal to my friends, and cruel to my enemies. People be warned.

At the end of the day though, people betray. God does not.

Struggling

Let’s not suffer the what ifs and focus on what’s happening. Difficult, but hey, there’s nothing else to do.

I think a problem with our generation is that we automatically associate effort with success, which is definitely not true. It is disheartening, giving it your all only to receive nothing.

In a perfect world, sure, whatever effort you place you’re guaranteed results that you want. But not in this world. That is not to say we should just give up, because what’s the point? The point is in the trying, and lessening the inevitable self blame if we fail. We tried.

Which is why I will always find the saying Ora et Labora beautiful. Prayer and hard work. There is always the element of chance no matter what. God’s will is greater than ours.

Fortune favors the brave? No. Fortune favors the prepared, and sometimes the undeserving. That is life.

What will happen, will happen.

#notetoself

What?

“You’re a wonderful person,” he said, looking at everywhere. “You,” He hesitated before continuing. “A person like you is very, very rare.”

She blushed after realizing the implications of his words. He looked at her in agitation, he ran a hand through his short black hair.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in love with you.” He shook his head vehemently in denial. He looked at her straight in the eyes, his voice betrayed nothing but honesty. “I’m in love with the idea of you.”

“Oh,” she whispered shyly. The girl, shocked by the confession, could only tuck her hair nervously.

He sighed wistfully, and looked away from her.

“I won’t, can’t, burden you with my feelings. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you.” He seemed to be talking to himself. “But I want to.”

“It’s not a burden,” She denied and tried to remember why she had to turn down the boy. “I’m sorry but –“

“My feelings are my own, and yet here I am, pressuring you to reply,” The boy cut her off and laughed bitterly.

“What?” She exclaimed, she was confused by twists and turns of their conversation.

“I confessed, I’m not forcing you to like me. However, I do want to hear words other than I’m sorry or thank you.” He said wryly.

“What am I supposed to say then?” She replied indignantly, she stomped her foot and frowned at him. She was going to turn him down nicely, but boy was he weird. “You do know I am in a perfectly happy relationship right now.”

“Oh I know,” The boy laughed again. “He’s really nice by the way. Nice choice.” He grinned at her playfully.

She couldn’t help but think she was suddenly transported to another dimension where social cues were a bit different than what she knew.

“Uhm, thanks?” She said uncertainly; she did not know where their conversation was going at all.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. “This was a bad idea,” He groaned out loud. She pitied him for his confusion. “I already knew this was going to happen.” He muttered.

“Look, I won’t take this against you,” She said cautiously, she was careful not to provoke him. “I appreciate your efforts but like I said, I have someone else.”

“I know,” he smiled. “But would you have chosen me if you met me earlier?” He asked with a slight tilt in his head. His eyes focused on her once again.

Another curveball was thrown at her which she miserably failed to catch.

“What?” She was running out of words.

“Would you have chosen me, hypothetically, if you have met me earlier, before him?” He enunciated his question to her like she was a toddler that needed special attention.

“I know what you meant,” She haughtily replied, she turned up his nose at her. She wondered why she even entertained him. “I was just stunned. Does it matter? If I already chose him, does your question even matter?” She shot back right at him.

“Exactly!” He agreed fervently that it surprised her. “You chose him. You didn’t choose me. If we met earlier, if you didn’t meet him, if, if, if, all these what ifs don’t matter at all!” He raised his hand in the air, and she was forced to take a step back to avoid his waving hands.

“Because it already happened, and we can’t change the past,” he softly said as his hands dropped.

“Yes. We can’t.” She nodded.

“So it doesn’t matter, at all.” He continued.

“Uh-huh.”

“Hence, confessions like this are pointless.” He concluded while nodding to himself.

“Well, ye— wait, no! What?!”

He burst out laughing while she stood there speechless.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Rest assured I won’t be interfering with your relationship,” he placated her. “I’m not a homewrecker.” His voice took a darker turn.

She could only stare at him blankly.

“Well, thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it,” He said lightly while turning away from her. He waved goodbye as he walked away.

She contemplated running after him, the person who was obviously hurt by her rejection but tried to deal with it rationally. How foolish of him, emotions are never logical.

“Hey! Wait!”

“What?” The guy stopped.

“I could have chosen you, hypothetically,” She slowly continued. “Yes, it doesn’t matter right now, but maybe in the future.”

“We don’t know, you don’t know that,” he answered solemnly.

“Yes, we don’t.” she agreed again. “But I said hypothetically.”

With that, they could only smile back at each other.