It has been a while since I last posted. It’s hard when even expressing myself through blogging is something that I struggle with. Last year I had a major breakdown. I suffered delusions and fought with almost everyone. I lost friendships to which I am still grieving.
I thought I was right, that I was betrayed and they were wrong. I never thought that I could hurt anyone but I did. Because of my repressed trauma I unloaded on people close to me. I thought they could handle me and would forgive me. It turns out our relationship was fragile. I’m sorry and I miss you. I really do. I’m sorry it happened. I regret it so much. I didn’t mean to do it.
I suffer as I write this. I have no motivation to do anything or will to live. I only exist because I’m still alive. I regret a lot of things. I unintentionally destroyed my career path with my mental breakdown. Maybe it was a redirection from God, that I am not meant for law at all but I was just stubborn. Now I feel nothing but burnout from all the fighting that I did just to stay in a field I did not truly like.
I feel lost, tired, and depressed. I hope these feelings would go away soon.
Ya Allah, give me life as long as it is good for me and make my death a respite from every evil. Ya Allah do not live me alone in my own affairs. Please.
I bit my tongue, I thought: zen. I stepped on a gum, I thought: zen. I spilled my drink on my white cashmere cardigan, I thought: zen. I think about it every now and then: zen. He wouldn’t tolerate my brows furrow. My lips, I should seal it, so no air—or perhaps fire—could escape from it. My eyes should shape like those negative parabolas; and my lips, must disguise as the bottom half of the circle I drew in first grade. Where once the so-called set of all points is complete, there hovers in circle the male gaze. Applause and adoration. I always should fit the mold of that gaze. My roots and my seeds, are unwelcome. And when my petals hold something from the pollination of bees that sprawled over —with tolerance— I shall walk on the carpet of warmth. He progresses with society, an opposition of traditional feudalism…
Words cannot describe sufficiently what one experiences deeply.
Sometimes, it starts out as something simple: a word, a look, a touch. It repeats through out time. Days. Months. Years. It happens again and again until it is deeply buried in the dark recess of the soul. Sometimes it is sudden: a scream into the silence, a betrayal from the person least expected, a gun shot that rings in the night.
Regardless of how it happens, it always stays. It is there until it is asked to go away. It stays despite of it being unwelcome. It clings to every song, every place, every picture. It is an unwanted obssession that refuses to be ignored.
It is looking into a shattered mirror, wondering what it was to be whole, and knowing nothing will ever be the same. Nothing ever does. It is moving like a puppet, and the strings are unseen.
Such is not easily seen but felt. It is like the wind which sways the trees but instead it moves the person. There are signs. It is the slight tapping of the fingers on the table. It is the pause in every sentence, the hesitance in every movement. It is the labored breathing as if drowning in air, the awkward laughter for the unwarranted comments. It is the blank stare for every question, the gaze avoided in every conversation. It is the rejection for every offer despite wanting to accept it.
Every person carries it differently. Some wear it like an armor, a protection from the pain. Others wear it like a locket, hidden from the world but close to the heart. Some do not wear it at all and leaves it behind, yet if follows like a ghost. It haunts and it stays, so they pretend it’s not there.
It is a scab which entices others to scratch and reopen.
Being a human is absolute Whatever you do, whatever you think Whether good or bad, light or dark You’re a human as long as you have A heart that beats and a brain that thinks
Doing wrong has its reasons Being good is a necessity to others But being good for the sake of it Is not right in its own way So better be truthful than to hide it all
To hurt, to cause sadness, to heal, to bring joy Laughing and smiling, crying and shouting All of it, everything, that makes us human Yet others see it as a weakness, a fault Crazy of them to think of that when they do those
Perfect…that indefinable word Have you seen perfect at all? How can you know what’s perfect, When it doesn’t exist in this world? Unless you are God and not a human
Humanity is hypocrisy at its best Nothing is ever pure at all Because everything is imperfect In this temporary stage It makes me wonder, when the curtain falls
Me, I’m a human, for I’m not perfect Though I yearn to know what really is absolute To know what purity is To show my real self without fear To live, to love, to laugh
Stupid of others to expect so much When they do not know everything But it is in human nature to never be satisfied To keep on yearning for something To keep on satisfying the cravings
Now you ask again what is humanity Is it the face that shows? Is it the brain that thinks? Or is it the compassion that you give? Humanity is everything
Hey, do you remember? The times which we thought were forever? Have you already been struck by epiphany? That it’s over, that it’s time already?
Walking towards the stage while thinking Today something’s ending The finale of a chapter An epic one, it couldn’t have been better
Last days of high school Were spent like a fool Doing everything we can Before all this ends
Teacher, students and faculty Standing next to you proudly You smile and just beam Because it’s a step to your dream
The sound of the graduation song playing You hear other batch mates crying You feel your eyes are prickly But you just smile stubbornly
High school is finished No matter how hard we wish It’s time for a new beginning It’s exciting yet frightening
Looking back on everything You get that nostalgic feeling Remembering when high school started Now high school has ended
The memories we shared together The smiles, the pain and the laughter Every moment we have spent They were truly God’s present
It wouldn’t be a lie if I said batch Onse is the best We are truly better than the rest Good luck and God bless, in life go steady And don’t ask if it’s time already
Yooooo. Did you miss me, guys? HAHAHAHAHAHA. By popular demand, I am now here to answer questions about my ADHD Diagnosis. But let me just make some disclaimers: (1) I do not support self-diagnosis, please do not claim you have this and that disorder until you have sought the guidance of a professional or you really fit the bill, (2) I understand not everyone can afford what I did, I am not forcing anyone to go to therapy or seek doctors or get medicines, nor am I invalidating your own experience, but please be careful about what you say, and (3) people can only help you as much as you can help yourself. Meaning you can go to therapy and drink all the medicines you want but you will never get better until you face the truth and accept yourself in order to be responsible for your actions. Whatever you feel or think about what I wrote is on you, do not blame me or I will fight you.
Lastly, I am not romanticizing and NEVER will romanticize my mental health (MH) issues. To the person who scarred me for life because I allegedly romanticize these things, I hope you are happy. Genuinely. You have your own issues. LMAO GOOD LUCK SIZ.
I am a person with lived experience, and these things are in a spectrum so please don’t expect everything to fit with your experience. It really depends on the person.
(1) Q: How did you get diagnosed? A: I have a long unstable relationship with therapy and medicines. As early as a teenager I went to a psychiatrist because I thought I was suffering from early Alzheimer’s. They gave me medicines to help me a bit. LMAO. They found out I had ADHD after the Bar Exam results came out because I was unresponsive to the medicines for years. My problems kept coming back. Who tf is unhappy with passing the bar exams, people with MH issues I tell you, aka me.
(2) Q: You weren’t happy you passed the Bar Exam???! A: LMAO I was just relieved I did not have a reason to call myself stupid, and I was also pressured to start being a lawyer and work. Who will be happy about that? Not me certainly. If you’re happy good for you. Congrats. 🙂
(3) Q: Wait, we’re asking you about ADHD stop distracting us. How did you get diagnosed with ADHD??? A: Look, I was a very self-aware kid. I went to guidance and counseling as early as grade school. I would talk to teachers. I was a teacher’s pet, my dream was to become the president, and I was bummed about getting classified as an introvert than an extrovert. Etc. Lots of signs were there that I wasn’t a normal kid. I knew deep inside I was not normal. Despite that I tried to hard to hide my struggles so that I won’t get hurt or bullied. I hurt myself before others hurt me. I went to the doctor with the concern of anxiety and depression, and they tried to help me with it. The medicines would help for awhile but then it still came back LOL
(4) Q: Still waiting for the ADHD part :((( A: ADHD is very hard to diagnose okay, they really have to cross out a lot of things. You can have PCOS, you can have problems with thyroid, you can just be tired, etc. Philippines is not that advanced (slapsoils), we don’t have those MRI or fancy machines or whatever to diagnose you. Doctors will just interview you and ask people around you. Symptoms for ADHD should start as early as a child and it continues to adulthood. Symptoms vary from person to person.
Girls are harder to diagnose because we mature faster emotionally. We know how to mask and pretend to be normal to keep ourselves safe. We know how to adjust accordingly. Boys get the most attention because the squeaky wheels get the grease, Why would anyone bother with a little girl who gets good grades in class? A teacher wouldn’t bother, they know the little girl is doing “good”. A little girl cries and it’s okay she’s just emotional and still a kid she just needs to mature LMAO. Sige push niyo lang po huhu.
Anyway. I was in denial at first about my ADHD. I went through the five stages of grief. How TF could I have a neurodevelopmental disorder. I was a good kid, I was only very talkative and overly friendly, nothing wrong with that. ADHD is forever. Anxiety and depression can be seasonal. LMAO Misconceptions about ADHD is very dangerous. Capitalism is despair.
Long story short, if you ask me I will always say go to a therapist first. They can and will help you. If you need medicines they will guide you to a doctor who can prescribe. I had two (2) different therapist administer a test to check if I have ADHD before the doctor gave me the diagnosis. I was prescribed some ADHD meds and it was confirmed that I have it because I did not react to the medicines much LMAO. Apparently normal people will have a different reaction or whatever. In the US, stimulants are highly abused by normal people which adds to the stigma to people who really need them. My medicines are highly regulated. I do not appreciate jokes about them being easy to drink, a cheat code, or you just want to “try” them. I might shove them down your throats. I did not want this to happen to me. I am literally disabled and these medicines are my life line.
So there’s that. Again, I am not a medical doctor, nor a licensed psychologist or what have you. I am speaking for my own experience so please, please, seek professional help if possible. Good luck and God Bless.
Here are some articles to help you with your possible struggles:
A Voice for the Soul 