Ever since I was a kid, I have always been followed by the ghosts of my mistakes. They rarely go away. So I made a lot of steps in order to escape them.
I would try to get rid of them first, by saying sorry, by identifying what I did wrong, by promising I won’t do it again. I’ll be better, I promise, just stop bothering me please, just stop whispering in my heart.
I would then try my best to avoid them. I’m not a perfectionist merely for the sake of being one. Making no mistakes means there’s no new ghost to haunt you.
I would also avoid activities that make them appear, like being a burden, asking help from people, failing subjects, disappointing people, hurting people, getting things that I want, being selfish, disturbing others. Every activity that I need to do is scrutinized, on whether or not I will be chased by guilt after I do this or that, whether or not I could handle the ghost that would appear. Sometimes I’d realize that they appear with people. So yes my aversion to people might be contributed to the things that are haunting me.
Most of the time I would and could just ignore them, because denial is the name of the game for survival, and I would go on my merry way while pretending there is nothing whispering in my ears that I don’t deserve anything, don’t deserve to live, that the world is practically better off without me existing, that I’m too much of a burden, do something about it.
I can convince them into keeping quiet by praying. Other times, I also have a baseball bat ready, because I beat up the metaphorical ghosts to shut them up because I can’t think. It’s crowding my mind, hush I’ll handle you after all these things. Which is maybe why it irks me when an outsider tries to correct me, even though I know they only have good intentions, and even if it is for my own good, because it’s harder to convince them, and I can’t beat them until they shut up unlike the ghosts always staying beside me, residing in me. It takes too much energy when you’re already fighting something inside, so I’ll just nod blankly and say yes, yes I know. The voice inside my head already told me so, please tell me something I don’t know.
So when I was given a chance to chase after another dream, the ghost I aptly called accounting (I confess to killing that dream because I couldn’t, wouldn’t let anyone take it away from me, only I can take it. Bwahahaha. No. Seriously. I did kill it voluntarily). It almost fooled me into killing another one. But I told myself no, no more ghosts, no more dream killing. Stop bothering me.
Unfortunately when I decided to chase after the new dream, a new ghost appeared and started whispering things like I am such a burden to everyone around me, how weak I am that I had to ask help from other people to get what I want, how stupid I was to not prepare beforehand when I already knew what I needed, what should have been done, how useless that I don’t have my own income to support myself, questioning me whether it’s all worth it, whether I am worth it.
With my trusty bat and skills in denial, such ghosts will have to be ignored until they go away and/or are exorcised. So pardon me if I seem spaced out or loopy, it would be just one of my ghosts bothering me.
I’m fine even if I’m kinda not fine inside. I’ll be fine as always. Nobody can see what’s inside anyway, except maybe for those who have x-ray vision.
Before anyone calls an exorcist or a psychologist out of concern for my well-being, please don’t worry. God already has me. There is no power nor might except Allah. 🙂