I am capable of both. I’ve been described as both, but only by those I deemed to deserve such treatment.
In my relationships, be it platonic or romantic (LOL, as if I’ve ever been in such a relationship), I am very loyal to my friends. I do what I can for them, because that is what true friends are for in my mind. In fact, some say I do too much. I overreach and step over boundaries. Call it an impulse, a quirk, a compulsion, but I sometimes care too much. In Filipino, we call that “pakialamera”, or in English, a very nosy person, which I have been called since time immemorial, as early as high school.
I don’t give a f*** for other people, strangers, or people I deem to be out of my circle. My energy is not enough. I have walls for that, a wall of obliviousness, and a wall of icy politeness. My family call me a bleeding heart; my friend who really knows me calls my heart a steel just covered in cotton, deceptively soft.
I have and will apologize, for overstepping boundaries, but I will never say sorry again for caring. Never. To deny me as a person of my need to care, would be to deny me as a person. It is to deny me of my personality. It breaks me, it always breaks me when I hear people say to me to take care of myself first.
Contrary to popular belief, I do practice self-care. My self-care is sleeping, helping when I can, and doing my hobbies. Sleeping makes me feel revitalized, and helps me reorganize my thoughts, and y’all sleeping is life. I help people when I can, because it will bloody hunt me forever if I don’t. It’s not self-care for me to ignore people. It kills my conscience. It kills my heart. I do these things not because I am expecting something in return, no. I do this for my God. I do this for me. I am loyal to a fault, and I acknowledge that.
What some people overlook though, is how I am capable of cruelty. I am not a pushover. I am not a f***ing doormat. I just have a lot of self-restraint, because if and when I choose to heed my vindictive urges, I will not only hurt the person who betrays me but I will also end up hurting myself. My doctor told me that I was too patient to the point that it consumes, and yet when I told him I wanted to be angry, to get mad, and to fight back, oh dear no, that’s not allowed, heaven forbid that I attack other people.
Stop confusing me.
This is not a threat. I am just saying it out loud. What I am capable of. A promise, a warning, because even I don’t know what I’ll do when provoked or pushed through my limits. I don’t lose people. People lose me.
As for romantic relationships, I have never been in one. There are a lot of factors, mostly because of religion (marriage is the only romantic relationship I can officially enter into with another person) and personal trust issues. Main reason would be because like I said, I am loyal to a fault. I will not enter into one without a guarantee that the other person will be loyal to me, or at the very least to God, because it will break me. I will not let a person break it, not without my permission, because I know I will try to shoulder and fix it on my own, with or without the other party’s effort and it will tire me out and kill me. I believe that the nicest way to end a relationship is to never start it in the first place. I’m not closed off to the thought, I just have a very high standard.
So yes, in the meanwhile I’ll be happy living as a cat lady, and an awesome tita with my friends.
I am loyal to my friends, and cruel to my enemies. People be warned.
At the end of the day though, people betray. God does not.