Random Ramblings: Midyear Edition (2018)

I usually do a very long random rambling post at the end of the year as a reminder to myself of what happened, but recently I’ve had so many awkward and weird realizations that I had to write about. So yeah. Here it goes. It’s gonna be long, probably, so you can just scroll down to the summary.

First of all, it feels weird to suddenly realize that people read my posts. Which is stupid, I know. I should have written it in a private journal then. What I meant was, I just write because I like it, and I feel flattered and at the same time mortified at the thought of people reading this. I guess I share my thoughts in the hopes of helping anyone who might think it useful, or even amusing. Most people don’t comment and just like, perhaps to keep this one-sided feels of a blog posts. Still. It’s weird. Let’s pretend this never happened ayt? Don’t even attempt to use this as blackmail material because “I will look for you, I will find you, and I will-“ (I haven’t actually watched Taken yet, I probably should add it to my growing list of backlogs.) Kidding. I’d appreciate any comments of sorts as long as its of a nice nature and not of the blackmail kind.

Anyway, it feels weird to have to filter myself once I realized people could be reading this, but free speech is for the speech you hate not for the speech you love (so they say). Fake news is another matter, it should not be a protected speech. But let’s not go into that debate yet. My “haters” could politely get off my website and stop reading this as a form of self-torture. I also admit to feeling selfish with my thoughts. No. Seriously. This blog of mine should be accessible only to the people I trust (strangers who don’t know me LOL, and selected friends). And now I am forever disturbed by the thought that someone unworthy is reading this. But it’s a good thing actually, because it made me realize things. Shitty things, but a realization nonetheless.

At the same time, it feels weird to realized that you’ve been placed on a pedestal. It. Is. F***ing. Stressful. And I felt so mortified when I realized I bloody did it to another person that I can’t even apologize to properly because that would be another awkward conversation and a can of worms that I really do not want to open since the other party probably did not notice and does not care. . . . ugh this is vague posting. I feel sad I lost a chance to make a new friend because of fangirling tendencies and at the same time embarrassed because I am usually perceptive about these kind of things. And ugh. I’m just a normal human-being with a sense of introspection slightly above average that should NOT be placed on a pedestal EVER. Or perhaps it’s just the privilege talking, since I only recently realized that what I consider normal is not really normal. It depends on the context. Maybe I’m so used to pressure coming from myself and family that I do not appreciate (and will destroy unconsciously, but most of the time consciously) anything I consider as someone placing any expectation on me.

See, this is why I find it so ironic that I placed another person on a pedestal when I hate it so much. Talk about hypocrisy. Good news is, like a decent person, I am trying hard to change that.

Vague post, according to Urban Dictionary, contains no context and remains unclear and confusing to most if not all of the readers. The best thing about vague posting is that people don’t know who you’re talking about unless they confront you, and the worst thing about it is that they really won’t know who it is unless you confirm it. Ah the wonders of deniability.

It. Is. Not. A GOOD THING. Like f*** it, it just adds hate to the world. (Well if you’re gonna be explicit about a thing, then go ahead. Talk it out like a decent person. Except the gov’t. F*** ’em if they don’t listen, please do rant about and against dictatorship all you want and join movements if you can). Negative vague posting serves as a challenge to other people, a call to attention, if the shoe fits, “Bato-bato sa langit, tamaan ‘wag magalit”, etc. Social media is public. So be prepared to face opposition, or don’t post at all. Most of us are stuck in an echochamber recently. That and trolls are becoming more annoying and persistent. Avoid engaging them as much as possible. Or not. Idk what the right protocol is in handling them, don’t trust me on this.

On the other hand, positive vague posting is sometimes useless. Sure it would probably be better for the speaker to release some pent up emotions but it is useless on the part of the intended receiver, because wtf did you expect about that post which could have been pertaining to anyone?! Some people vague post with the hopes of catching the attention of the intended receiver, real talk: they won’t talk to you even if they feel like it was them you were talking about because it is bloody VAGUE. Like message that person or whatever. I am guilty of vague posting, and I am trying to stop like what I said because I just realized how awkward and annoying it is.

Sad isn’t it? That most people only stop and realize that what they’re doing is wrong when they’re placed in the exact position. The good news is, for every realization we can now take a step towards redemption.

Second, law school is very stressful but recently I’ve been in idgaf mode. I’ve been wondering if this was all a mistake, but of course it’s not. I don’t regret a thing, except some moments of self-sabotage, but other than that nothing else. I’ve met wonderful people and learned a lot. I tried out moot court this year, and though it was just a college competition it was still nerve-wracking. By nerve-wracking I mean I was tempted for awhile to go AWOL because of it and it did cause some breakdowns but hey, I survived. Might even try again? Haha. Ha. Fat chance.

I’ve been feeling out of it lately. I have no other life at all, except for law school. Which is sad. Is this what they call quarterlife crisis? LOL. I’ve been feeling useless and a failure. I know I’m not a total failure though, just a bit.

On the bright side, there’s nothing bad about law school being the only life, even if the judiciary system has been disrespected, disparaged, and disregarded (*insert more verbs here*) by the current administration. All the more reason to keep on fighting for it and to correct it,

Third, to give with the expectation of receiving tbe same thing from a person will kill you. Probably. It is selfish and pointless. Selfish because doing it is for the sake of self gratification, and pointless since not everybody will reciprocate. Just follow the golden rule. Be a decent human-being, but self-care is needed. Though to be fair, it gets annoying when some try to justify their wrong behavior for self-care. Stop it. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong just admit it. It’s disrespectful to use the concept of self-care as an excuse to be shitty when others are struggling to even do it.

Fourth, “death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it takes and it takes-“. I love that song. Anyway, death is inevitable. Having a disease that can kill is no different from dying in a car crash. It just happens and comes to a shock to people. What’s painful is when it could have been prevented and when it is pointless. Suicide, EJKs, poverty, etc. Pointless. Everyone dies yet people would sell their soul for land, power, and money.

I have also broken all of my new year’s resolution spectacularly which included boundaries. Currently reestablishing them with the hopes of it being permanent or at the very least last for more than six months. Looking back at it, it has been an exhausting year for everyone. And before I go on full on angst mode let’s end here.

To summarize this random post like I promised at the start:

  • Humans are humans. Not God. They don’t belong on pedestals to be worshipped.
  • Fake news is bad. So are trolls. And vague posting.
  • Law school is crazy.
  • Be nice, even to yourself.
  • Death is inevitable. Live to the fullest. Stand by your principles.
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April Fool’s Month

So. 2018. So many plot twists and it’s not even 2019 yet.

My January and February went okay. March, however, is another matter. I dub the month as the month of rejection. I got rejected from a job, a part-time job, and a personal life matter. It’s okay, I’m used to it. That’s just life.

All was well, but then April came.

Bloody f***ing April.

I don’t know what’s the matter with the moon (effing horoscopes, if it can even be relied upon, I did not ask to be a Cancer, or whatever okay) or the stress (bloody law school and its crazy people), or just myself (my tendency to be a little bit crazy every now and then).

April is the month where my relationships went to chaos. And by chaos I mean somebody set it on fire and I had to stop myself from pouring oil to the fire. I had to look for a fire extinguisher so at least the fire died, but so am I. Dead inside. Kidding. Just maybe dying. Ish. Somewhat, sorta, maybe. The point is, I’m just tired. Dead tired. Idk how I’m moving hahaha.

Like, it gets tiring to hear “you’re too nice”, “you’re a pushover”, and whatever. What most people don’t know is that I have an effing anger management issues. I’m neither nice nor patient. I just restrain myself from saying the things I know I would regret. I inherited the sharp tongue of my parents, I just don’t show it except when I really, really snap. My patience is not infinite. Sad to say, I snapped, and I wanted everything to burn, but nooooo. I gotta be the better person, gotta be good, gotta be nice. I would have committed much more serious offense if I weren’t so religious. I’m just trying to be a decent human being, okay? Not my fault society changed its definition of decent to the point that I could be labelled as a saint. Like wtf. Seriously?

April is also the month of acceptance. I got accepted into an org, which I have been applying for over a year, and I finally accepted things which I should have accepted years ago. And that I badly need self-care. I suck at it. If it weren’t for my friends and family, I would have no sense of self-preservation at all.

I also have accepted that I attract weird people. I thought opposites attract. Why can’t I attract normal people as friends? Well, to quote one of my friends “birds of a feather flock together”.  I have received this picture too many times to count, from different people. It is kinda flattering. But tiring. I did not ask to be this way. I just am.received_2055705131110754.png

When God made self-care rain I was hiding under a rock. I need a break. Sometimes I would get jealous with other people who have significant others who would take care of them but then I would be reminded that I have my significant people who love and support me, and that people betray but God does not. I also should probably take care of myself. Probably.

So this month of April is all about acceptance, that human-beings are weak, that there are those who would abuse and take-advantage of other people but there are those who would give light despite the darkness.

Keep faith, be strong.

Some would say that what I am doing is foolish, but hey, April Fool’s month everybody.

In loving memory of the girl who tried

She was bright and joyful. She would greet people with a smile, she would wave happily at anyone she knew. She would love unconditionally. She was a bit childish, light and airy. Quite immature, some would say.

She was a natural pacifist, and hated conflicts. She would listen with an open mind, and she would try her best to mediate. She was rational but would nevertheless be stubborn and fight for what she thinks is right.

She was an idealist born in a world of opportunities, and so she tried.

But she tried too hard.

Her world turned into disappointment, lies and broken promises. She was naive, they said. She was too softhearted, they said. As she tried to keep her heart, her humanity despite everything, she kept on losing.

Still she tried. She walked on. She tried to hide her weariness and hatred deep down. She choked on the vitriolic words she could have said but did not say. She held herself tightly as she was falling apart. She held back even though she knew she should only walk forward.

She was better than that. She could do better than that. She is only human.

The girl who tried turned into the girl who was tired.

She did not have a healing aura, she was only doing what she thinks is right. She did not attract damaged people, society just changed to the point nobody knew how to handle themselves. She did not have the job of healing everyone but she wanted to. She tried.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Stupidly, she still tried.

This is in loving memory of the girl who tried.

With the help of God, she will be back and she will be better. She’ll return one day and then she will be the girl who did.

How to Talk to an Awkward Turtle

So hello, for my first blog post of the year I will be talking about my awkwardness and how to talk to awkward people like me! Isn’t that fun? *runs away from people*

I was an extroverted child, then as I grew up I don’t know what happened. I notice things that people don’t and maybe the stimulus gets too much which is why some people would describe me both as sensitive and dense. I know too much and too little at the same time. I can talk and socialize when needed, but I prefer listening and observing.

Anyway, since it is the month of February, and although we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day, and I’m basically a wallflower, I’ve had my fair share of romance *coughs awkwardly* if I can even call it that.

I’ve never confessed to anyone. Except maybe that one time during my highschool graduation ball but my friends told me it wasn’t a proper one since it was after the fact, meaning I told the person I liked them 2 years before the confession type. Shrewd and pointless right??? I was so awkward back then, oh wait I still am.

Nobody ever confessed to me. Except that nice person who I had to turn down politely because I was too surprised and I didn’t know what to do. The poor kid had bad tastes in liking me. I felt guilty that they had to spell it out for me because I was kind of in denial and at the same time oblivous about what they were trying to say. Which brings me to my next point of the blog, the instructions!!! Tadaaaaa. Yes, I went from point A to point Z in a jiffy. Smooth talking *or writing*, right? Right. To the instructions we go!

1) Don’t talk in codes. Seriously. If you want to say something, borrow something, ask for a favor, or whatever, just SAY IT STRAIGHT. Awkward turtles will just waste time wondering why you’re talking to them in the first place and it sends warning signals in their brains.

2) Be careful with non-verbal communication. Since awkward turtles are awkward *I cannot emphasize this enough*, at the very least they are aware sometimes of what you are not saying and focuses on your actions. Awkward turtles have weird senses so they can warn themselves if they have to retreat in their shell. They startle easily.

3) Awkward turtles are turtles. They are SLOW. Whether it be in actions or understanding things, so have a little patience when socializing with them. Better yet, like the first instruction, go straight to the point.

4) If you find out the interests of an awkward turtle, they will go out of the shell. Since they rarely go out of their shells, they will most likely go all out when talking about it, so again, please have patience and don’t make them say sorry for their likes and passion.

5) If they talk to you out of their own will, be happy that they tried. Really. It’s of a great effort, unless you’re already close to them. Say it straight if they are bothering you, they won’t talk it against you because they’re expecting that they’re a bother.

Awkward turtles are happy with genuine and sincere people. I think even a non-awkward turtle would be.

So the main technique on how to talk to an awkward turtle? Just be real.

This is a public service post for the awkward turtles and nice people who want to talk to awkward turtles.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this helps. Lol.

Random Ramblings (2017 Edition)

2017 is the year of the Trigger.

I mean it in the most politically correct sense. I was about to write something about using the word trigger in the correct sense because let’s face it, the word is totally misused this year that it harms those who have legitimate triggers for their various disease but yes, let’s not get carried away. But wait, this is just my random ramblings so I can do anything, yey!

2017 is one heck of a roller coaster ride, we’ve had so many ups and down. I’m just going to choose some highlights because it will be too long if I write down all of it. Lol.

I started off the year okay, and by okay I mean really, okay. I was as healthy as I can be. Hooray. I got great professors, and I learned a lot. But. I just had to get triggered to ruin it all. One mishap. One bad thing. Everything went down. My insecurities, my fears, my doubts, they all came crashing down. It wasn’t their fault, no, I was just triggered. That was it. I got sick more often than not all throughout the year.

I got the result to one of the final exams, I passed. People would think I should be happy and grateful but I wasn’t. I was horrified. I got a lower grade than my stellar sibling. I was overreacting maybe but it was one of the moments where I felt less than half of a dignified person that deserved to die. I failed one subject that I wasn’t supposed to fail because God knows how many times I’ve taken that subject already but it was a blessing in disguise so that’s okay. Things happen for a reason.

I got another checkup because I just wanted to clear everything, and I had to get over my complexes. It didn’t go as I expected. I was called immature.

I thought what they labeled as immature was my desire to help people, so I got mad and rebelled. I will be nice and bloody help people even if it kills me. It’s only recently that I realized that no, my altruistic desire is not immature. What’s immature is when you have no boundaries. When you enable people to take advantage of you when you worry other people because you have no sense of self-preservation, not only is that immature, that is one of the most selfish things you can do. I did not heed the advice of my friends and family who kept on reminding me harshly, just so I can have something left for myself. It’s nice to give, but you cannot keep on giving yourself away to the point that nothing is left because how can you keep on giving.

Nothing is wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with the fact that you keep nothing to yourself that you had to worry the people who care for you. For that, I sincerely thank and apologize to my loved ones for the reminders and the support. Thank you so much.

I was cycling between hurt and unfeeling throughout the year. I had some ups too, and I got my 2017 plot twist when I got the internship I was expecting not to get. Yey. There are a lot of things I want to write about but meh.

Most liberating moment of the year: Philippine Model Congress 2017. Nobody knew me when I joined it. No pressure from anyone. No professors to grade me, no parents to tell me what to do, no classmates to expect anything from me, no friends to keep up the happy facade. Nothing. (Except the time somebody mentioned my current occupation and I just wanted the ground to swallow me hahaha). Sure there were a lot of times I wanted to kill some ignorant people there, but here’s to hoping that they learn since I let them live. LOL.

Most awkward moment of the year: When my mom thought I was on a date. Me. A wallflower. A weeb. A cat lady. Out on a date. WTF. Hahaha. Huhu. -_-

The lesson of the year: People betray, God does not.

I would give out more awards but I’m going to say they’re too many to mention. Lol.

2017 had its ups and down.

Mental Health Act. Mental health is now gaining awareness in the Philippines. Mass actions like rally and other protests against the wrongs of the administration were held.

The Marawi Siege, Vinta PH, attacks on Rohingya, Syria, Palestine, and a lot more, they are disasters which could have been prevented or at least mitigated with proper management. They’re complex issues but we can help with simple solutions. We’re still alive, and we can do something, that’s what truly matters.

My 2017’s hashtag was #laban2017 or #fighting2017. And fight, we did. We shall continue on doing so.

So yeaaah, here’s the longest random rambling of my year.

Thank you so much to everyone. To my readers (lol. hello there) that reads my blog, to my new friends that I met, to the old and loyal friends that stayed, to my classmates who helped me, to my professors who guided me, to the people that betrayed but served as a lesson, to my family that were always there for me, and most especially to God, Allah (SWT). Alhamdulillah (praise God) for everything.

Cheers to a more hopeful and helpful year ahead.

Loyalty and Cruelty

I am capable of both. I’ve been described as both, but only by those I deemed to deserve such treatment.

In my relationships, be it platonic or romantic (LOL, as if I’ve ever been in such a relationship), I am very loyal to my friends. I do what I can for them, because that is what true friends are for in my mind. In fact, some say I do too much. I overreach and step over boundaries. Call it an impulse, a quirk, a compulsion, but I sometimes care too much. In Filipino, we call that “pakialamera”, or in English, a very nosy person, which I have been called since time immemorial, as early as high school.

I don’t give a f*** for other people, strangers, or people I deem to be out of my circle. My energy is not enough. I have walls for that, a wall of obliviousness, and a wall of icy politeness. My family call me a bleeding heart; my friend who really knows me calls my heart a steel just covered in cotton, deceptively soft.

I have and will apologize, for overstepping boundaries, but I will never say sorry again for caring. Never. To deny me as a person of my need to care, would be to deny me as a person. It is to deny me of my personality. It breaks me, it always breaks me when I hear people say to me to take care of myself first.

Contrary to popular belief, I do practice self-care. My self-care is sleeping, helping when I can, and doing my hobbies. Sleeping makes me feel revitalized, and helps me reorganize my thoughts, and y’all sleeping is life. I help people when I can, because it will bloody hunt me forever if I don’t. It’s not self-care for me to ignore people. It kills my conscience. It kills my heart. I do these things not because I am expecting something in return, no. I do this for my God. I do this for me. I am loyal to a fault, and I acknowledge that.

What some people overlook though, is how I am capable of cruelty. I am not a pushover. I am not a f***ing doormat. I just have a lot of self-restraint, because if and when I choose to heed my vindictive urges, I will not only hurt the person who betrays me but I will also end up hurting myself. My doctor told me that I was too patient to the point that it consumes, and yet when I told him I wanted to be angry, to get mad, and to fight back, oh dear no, that’s not allowed, heaven forbid that I attack other people.

Stop confusing me.

This is not a threat. I am just saying it out loud. What I am capable of. A promise, a warning, because even I don’t know what I’ll do when provoked or pushed through my limits. I don’t lose people. People lose me.

As for romantic relationships, I have never been in one. There are a lot of factors, mostly because of religion (marriage is the only romantic relationship I can officially enter into with another person) and personal trust issues. Main reason would be because like I said, I am loyal to a fault. I will not enter into one without a guarantee that the other person will be loyal to me, or at the very least to God, because it will break me. I will not let a person break it, not without my permission, because I know I will try to shoulder and fix it on my own, with or without the other party’s effort and it will tire me out and kill me. I believe that the nicest way to end a relationship is to never start it in the first place. I’m not closed off to the thought, I just have a very high standard.

So yes, in the meanwhile I’ll be happy living as a cat lady, and an awesome tita with my friends.

I am loyal to my friends, and cruel to my enemies. People be warned.

At the end of the day though, people betray. God does not.

What?

“You’re a wonderful person,” he said, looking at everywhere. “You,” He hesitated before continuing. “A person like you is very, very rare.”

She blushed after realizing the implications of his words. He looked at her in agitation, he ran a hand through his short black hair.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not in love with you.” He shook his head vehemently in denial. He looked at her straight in the eyes, his voice betrayed nothing but honesty. “I’m in love with the idea of you.”

“Oh,” she whispered shyly. The girl, shocked by the confession, could only tuck her hair nervously.

He sighed wistfully, and looked away from her.

“I won’t, can’t, burden you with my feelings. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you.” He seemed to be talking to himself. “But I want to.”

“It’s not a burden,” She denied and tried to remember why she had to turn down the boy. “I’m sorry but –“

“My feelings are my own, and yet here I am, pressuring you to reply,” The boy cut her off and laughed bitterly.

“What?” She exclaimed, she was confused by twists and turns of their conversation.

“I confessed, I’m not forcing you to like me. However, I do want to hear words other than I’m sorry or thank you.” He said wryly.

“What am I supposed to say then?” She replied indignantly, she stomped her foot and frowned at him. She was going to turn him down nicely, but boy was he weird. “You do know I am in a perfectly happy relationship right now.”

“Oh I know,” The boy laughed again. “He’s really nice by the way. Nice choice.” He grinned at her playfully.

She couldn’t help but think she was suddenly transported to another dimension where social cues were a bit different than what she knew.

“Uhm, thanks?” She said uncertainly; she did not know where their conversation was going at all.

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. “This was a bad idea,” He groaned out loud. She pitied him for his confusion. “I already knew this was going to happen.” He muttered.

“Look, I won’t take this against you,” She said cautiously, she was careful not to provoke him. “I appreciate your efforts but like I said, I have someone else.”

“I know,” he smiled. “But would you have chosen me if you met me earlier?” He asked with a slight tilt in his head. His eyes focused on her once again.

Another curveball was thrown at her which she miserably failed to catch.

“What?” She was running out of words.

“Would you have chosen me, hypothetically, if you have met me earlier, before him?” He enunciated his question to her like she was a toddler that needed special attention.

“I know what you meant,” She haughtily replied, she turned up his nose at her. She wondered why she even entertained him. “I was just stunned. Does it matter? If I already chose him, does your question even matter?” She shot back right at him.

“Exactly!” He agreed fervently that it surprised her. “You chose him. You didn’t choose me. If we met earlier, if you didn’t meet him, if, if, if, all these what ifs don’t matter at all!” He raised his hand in the air, and she was forced to take a step back to avoid his waving hands.

“Because it already happened, and we can’t change the past,” he softly said as his hands dropped.

“Yes. We can’t.” She nodded.

“So it doesn’t matter, at all.” He continued.

“Uh-huh.”

“Hence, confessions like this are pointless.” He concluded while nodding to himself.

“Well, ye— wait, no! What?!”

He burst out laughing while she stood there speechless.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. Rest assured I won’t be interfering with your relationship,” he placated her. “I’m not a homewrecker.” His voice took a darker turn.

She could only stare at him blankly.

“Well, thank you so much for your time. I appreciate it,” He said lightly while turning away from her. He waved goodbye as he walked away.

She contemplated running after him, the person who was obviously hurt by her rejection but tried to deal with it rationally. How foolish of him, emotions are never logical.

“Hey! Wait!”

“What?” The guy stopped.

“I could have chosen you, hypothetically,” She slowly continued. “Yes, it doesn’t matter right now, but maybe in the future.”

“We don’t know, you don’t know that,” he answered solemnly.

“Yes, we don’t.” she agreed again. “But I said hypothetically.”

With that, they could only smile back at each other.

Of Affirmations and Realizations

I have never dropped a subject before in my academic life.

I only dropped a whole degree program which I regretted for almost two years, and I’ve somehow come to terms with it.

I was in third year accounting back then. That was the time when I first thought I had an early onset of Alzheimer’s disease. It was a horrifying experience. Most of the time I was confused, and I couldn’t remember things. I know my short-term memory is poor, but when my long-term memory, and academics start to get affected, I know there is something wrong. My chest would often hurt, and I had difficulty in breathing. I often found myself spacing out or on the verge of crying for no reason at all. I was high-strung most of the time, and I struggled to keep the facade of being calm and rational because of my responsibilities. I was aware of all the doors so I could easily exit, and I knew the location of the nearest comfort room to dry-heave for a few moments and pretend nothing happened. I would often stop in the middle of a corridor, thoughts muddled, not knowing what I was supposed to do, feeling weak-kneed and lost.

The worst thing, as an idealist, was that I couldn’t see myself as an accountant during those moments. I couldn’t imagine my life where I would be happy with accounting. I felt sick to the heart. I could lose myself but never my dreams, rarely my dreams. It was one of my childhood dream to become a certified public accountant, and I’m so sorry to disappoint you younger self.

I was also afraid at that time. I thought I was unfortunate enough to have a type of dementia at a young age. More than that, I was scared of disappointing and being a burden to my family. I grew up believing that if I fail at academics, I would cause my family to fall apart and be useless. I still believe that subconsciously somehow, it’s hard to get rid of such notions. I suffered in guilt and self-hatred.

Dishonor on me, dishonor on my family, dishonor on my cows, dishonor, oh wait where was I, oh yes, dropping.

I didn’t know what to do anymore, so I confessed to my parents and ended up in a hospital where I got diagnosed. Luckily, it wasn’t Alzheimer’s disease. Unfortunately, I was sick with another disease.

I didn’t want to quit. I was already in second year when I started to feel that accountancy wasn’t for me, but I just fought and held on, to the point that I reached my third year in that state. I tearfully asked permission for my parents about my decision to shift out of accountancy, to which they graciously accepted considering my circumstance.

Long story short, I intentionally failed my final exams to shift out. I knew I could have exited gracefully by passing 114.1, a do or die subject for accounting majors in my school, but I failed it by being honest and telling my professor there was a mistake in counting of my scores. I failed by one point. The required grade to stay in the accounting program was 2.75 for 114.1. I got a 3.00 because of the correction.

Stupid right? Why did I do that myself? Well, because honesty is the best policy. Also, I knew that if I passed I would have foolishly fought and held on.I would push through believing that it was a waste of opportunity to have passed the subject and yet shift out to another program. So yes. Self-sabotage was my answer.

I was happy with my decision initially, then a few months after that I beat myself up badly. I thought that I was weak for letting go, for not studying and intentionally failing that subject. Thankfully, I have moved on.

It’s only recently that I have come to accept that I’m the type of person to know my limits. I mean it when I say I don’t want to anymore. I mean it when I say I can’t do it.

Now I’ve come to face a decision, yet again, of dropping a subject or dropping law school totally.

Again and again, life is forcing me to rethink my choices.

I have a certain degree of trauma over decision-making. I don’t trust myself fully. I don’t trust anyone. Contradicting, I know.

At first I was scared that I was doomed to repeat my mistakes. Shifting, shifting, failing, getting forced to settle for something, not that there is something wrong with settling.

I know what I want despite all that. I could still imagine myself as a professor teaching political law, or maybe a lawyer in an office helping out clients to calm down and to hear their story. I could see myself getting somewhere in the field.

So what’s my problem now? A lot, mostly stemming from self-issues.

I am on probation, I failed certain subjects because of my stupidity, and bad luck. I cannot afford to fail this time. If I don’t drop and I fail this certain subject, I will get kicked out of law school. Sure I can transfer to another law school and begin anew, but my guilt wouldn’t let met waste anymore time and resources to that. I would sooner kill myself by letting go of my dreams than be a burden to my family. My guilt is already harping on me, how could I waste more money for my tuition and my medicines.

I got another checkup before the start of my second semester, I wanted to take a leave of absence to work or to rest. Was I willing to continue at the cost of my sanity? I was starting to doubt again.

I was told by my doctor I was just confused and immature. Law school would be good for me, it would help me mature. The caveat? I have to continue drinking my medicines (which I thought I stopped for good) while studying. I was told that I would get sicker if I quit law school, and I agree with that thought. I want to continue law school, but I don’t want to be a burden anymore. Medicines are expensive. My good parents gave me another chance, told me to continue law school, and they continue to pay for my medicines. My guilt is still internally eating me, but I am happy somehow, thankful but exhausted.

I started the sem with a bang (or at least tried to), this year’s motto was #Fighting. Susuka pero ‘di susuko. (I will vomit but I will not quit.) Funny enough, I fought for a subject last semester but I failed anyway. I think it scarred me somehow, and it’s affecting my decision-making right now.

It’s not about what you deserve, it’s about what you get.

I’m proud of my decision to fight for the subject that I failed, don’t get me wrong. I just can’t fail another subject unless I want to be kicked out, like what I did with accounting.

I’m naturally a risk-averse person. I don’t like taking risk unless I know the chances are in my favor. This time I’m not sure if they are. The teaching style of my professor is really incompatible with mine. I dislike memorization with a burning fervor (I don’t know how I’m surviving law school this way, still praying though). My professor wants us to memorize each provision in verbatim. I love how we are taught to decide in favor of the laborers and in favor of social justice, but I just hate, hate, hate having to memorize paragraphs of law and labor code. I have no problems with memorization, it’s just that it had to be verbatim.

I tried. I recited, and I failed to meet the standards of the class. The midterms exam was catastrophic. I couldn’t enumerate certain (most) provisions, most of my answer had no legal basis, it wasn’t written in verbatim. I knew nothing about wages. I wanted to bash my head in. My self-sabotaging habits kicked in before the start of the semester.

I can still continue and fight. I just don’t want to anymore. I am emotionally and  mentally exhausted. I want to be selfish and to still have a fighting chance of staying in law school while keeping my sanity, or at least what’s left of it.

Drop the subject, or dropped from the rolls. False dichotomy? I don’t think so.

A part of me is thinking, am I only delaying the inevitable? Won’t I get kicked out anyway despite dropping this subject so what’s the use? What kind of lawyer hates memorization? Is law really for me?

I don’t know anymore. I am torn, what’s new. I know what I want, I don’t have what I need. I realize that I have fallen in love with law school, and it’s making me irrational. It’s making me selfish.

The point of this all, was merely to ask for affirmation, that what I’m doing, and what I’m going to do is right. I also just made some realizations, which might not be useful to you, but perhaps it may have opened your mind about the importance of mental health to avoid being like me.

Quoting again my favorite character Captain Levi Ackerman from Shingeki no Kyojin:

I can believe in my own abilities or the choices of the companions I trust. But no one ever knows how it will turn out. So choose for yourself, whichever decision you will regret the least.

Here’s another one from Captain Levi again:

The only thing we’re allowed to do is to believe that we won’t regret the choice that we made.

I’m going to regret failing another subject more than dropping it. I’m choosing my battles. I’m going to retreat, and live for another day. I’ll regret it somehow, I often do, it’s just a matter of acceptance and moving on.

Either way, what will happen will happen. I’m just hoping for the best, and praying for God’s Guidance.

 

 

 

 

Peeking out of the Closet

I’m going to hijack the term “coming out of the closet” which most say is for people who admit what their gender identity is, like the members of the LGBT/SOGIE community.

I’m not even going out of the closet fully, I’m just poking my head out once in a while to check if the people I care for are okay.

If somebody asks me about my state of mental health, I will answer depending on my mood and how much I trust you. It’s an open secret. I know people have already judged my state because of my actions. No surprise there. I don’t like being talked about, I prefer if people ask me straight up, but you know, gossip. Might as well clear things up.

Yes, I was clinically diagnosed. Yes, I am not that mentally healthy. I have lucid intervals, I have moments where I am not in control of myself. I was supposed to confess this after I have achieved something great in my life, but so far I have achieved nothing except sleep more than 12 hours a day. Yey. Aren’t I amazing?

So why am I doing this? I have no obligation to say this to anyone. Nobody has the obligation to disclose their health to anyone (except maybe the President under the 1987 Philippine Constitution). It’s a confidential matter. In fact this could go against me in the future when I apply for jobs or anything, who would accept neurotic and sick people?

Perhaps I just want to let people understand somehow what it’s like to have a mental disorder. It differs from people to people. Symptoms manifest differently. The causes are also different, there are biological and psycho-social factors. It’s a wonderful field, psychology. I used to be high-functioning. Now I don’t know anymore, perhaps medium-functioning. Look it up people.

I cannot walk you through the whole journey (check out the post THE INEFFABLE that I reblogged, it’s detailed and explicit, a friend of mine wrote it), so perhaps I’ll just give some highlights.

It’s stopping suddenly in the middle of a corridor wondering what you were doing, trying to remember what you were supposed to do. Your knees feel weak so you drop down to the floor staring at nothing. It’s a good thing nobody is there to see. So you pick yourself up again and continue as if nothing happened.

It’s being in an accident, which you have thankfully escaped from safely but you wonder why you didn’t die instead, and you feel sick afterwards for such thoughts.

It’s having a check-up with a doctor to pinpoint the source of your fatigue and difficulty in breathing, both praying and dreading that it could be anemia or asthma, only to find out that you don’t have such physical disease. Thank God. Then you realize, and you are forced to accept, that there is another reason for the fatigue and lack of energy, for the physical pain and the random difficulty in breathing. So you laugh it off and feel grateful it’s not a serious disease. You convince yourself you’re just feeling things, you’re overreacting.

It’s not like that all the time though. Sometimes you laugh and have fun with your friends. You watch your favorite series, read your favorite book, do something productive for the first time.

You smile and encourage everyone around you; hoping and praying that they don’t see what you’re trying to hide, that they don’t feel what you feel.

So here I am, peaking out of the closet, still afraid to admit, afraid to fully step out because of the stigma. There are people out there, no matter how hard you try to explain, they just can’t, they won’t understand. It’s not their fault (sometimes), it’s not your fault (probably). It’s not in their capacity to do so, or they just have different priorities which is understandable. I find it ironic, that I am a self-proclaimed mental health advocate who can’t even admit to herself what’s going on.

What’s the point of this? Well.

A little kindness can go a long way. Smile. Hug. Greet.

I move out of my closet to help those who don’t want to come out, those who feel alone and vulnerable. I don’t expect anyone to do the same, but I expect people to bloody stop banging on other people’s closets. It gets annoying and tiring to pick up pieces of people that you destroy.

Stop misusing the terms. Or at the very least, stop using it as excuses or insults, and start being proper humans.

I’m not too nice or too kind. Society has just deteriorated to the point that any act of kindness is lauded and considered rare.

I am mad because I am forced to get out of my closet to make sure ignorant people don’t hurt my loved ones. Hurt me if you will, but I will hunt you down if you dare touch my family and friends.

There’s a campaign for mental health, some people use “keep going”. Yeah. It’s nice, but I have to peek out of my closet to wonder why people are kind of threatening and guilt-tripping people to keep going. Let the person rest. But then they said keep going “;” means they can rest but should keep going in the long run. Yeah. Sure. Okay.

I think “be nice” would be better though. You can’t force someone to do something they can’t or don’t want to because they’re tired but you can be nice, and stop bullying others, minimizing, and hurting people’s feelings. Why try directing people when you can’t change yourself? We have no control over others, only our actions.

I think I’m going to retreat into my closet before I call out more people out of anger. Oh wow anger, there it is, another mental health issue too. I don’t get angry much. It’s really a rare occasion for me to feel such emotion. I’m usually just chill as a cucumber. Just don’t get me triggered.

Knock on my closet if you’re asking for help, otherwise, back off. Cheerio.

Confessions and Closure

No I will not confess
But if you will ask me I will say yes
No I will not confess
Until society let me be my best

No I will not confess
The despair, the pain, the loneliness
No I will not confess
I am not a damsel in distress

I will fight my own battles
Break my own shackles
Look away, turn away
Focus on your own day

This is not a confession
This a mere distraction
A little happiness away from depression
This is not just an allegation

I don’t need any closure
I need relief from pressure
I want certainty in the unsure
Away from the sickness, the cure

These walls, the fence, all the enclosure
It guards dark secrets, words, and more
The only thing that I confess is I am not pure
I’m simply complicated, you need not know more.