Always at the Crossroads

Last year, 2016, I was at the crossroads. I couldn’t enroll in my current law school because of certain complications and I was forced to decide whether to continue studying law or not.

I find it funny, that I find myself waiting and trying to decide again whether to continue with it or not. I thought it was over. I thought I just had to look forward and move, but I hit another dead-end. It’s like a game that I keep on playing, with my character that keeps on getting beat up and dying. After that the screen is asking “do you want to continue? yes or no” with ten seconds left before automatically making a choice for me.

Life is like that, isn’t it? It’s a game. A series of choices that would lead you to somewhere. Some people know where that somewhere is, I don’t.

I’m in danger of trashing my lawyer dream once again. I can’t help but laugh bitterly as I ask myself what is it with me that I keep on failing. Is it really not for me? Is this a sign? Is it a punishment for believing that I could do it when I clearly cannot do it?

The other day, our professor talked to us after we chased after him to plead our case. He said no of course, then after that he went on to lecture us about life, about how we could find other things to do, that what happened to us was not fatal and we should stop if it’s really not for us then it’s not, that what we did was undignified. He said a lot of things that were pretty inspiring and at the same time annoying. Annoying because I already knew them, annoying because some of what he said were untrue.

I don’t know what happened this semester. I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t help but feel disgust every time I am reminded of my disorder that the society doesn’t acknowledge, and they even consider it as just a part of imagination. I hate using my disorder as my excuse, but I also hate knowing that it may be imaginary for other but it is real for me and it may have stopped me from living fully once again. I hate that I forgot that I have it, that I couldn’t control it to save myself. Most of all, I hate having it.

I hate how I tried so hard to save others, that I forgot to save myself. I hate the feeling of resentment that I have against the people that I have helped when they succeed and I don’t. I hate the feeling of disgust and self-hatred when I know I have no right to feel such emotions. They didn’t ask for it, I gave it. Willingly. I hate it, I hate it so much, thinking how my doctor and others would berate for giving too much while receiving almost nothing at all. I hate being normally self-contradicting.

I didn’t help them because I wanted to be paid back. I help people because I want to, because it makes me feel better, because it distracts from how much of a failure I am. It doesn’t hurt that they don’t appreciate me or say thank you, but it helps to feel appreciated. It hurts me when I ask myself why am I such a failure, and what did I do wrong? It hurts to hear people say and point at me, making me as an example of why people shouldn’t be too kind. I don’t understand this thing, about being too kind when in my mind I’m just being a decent human being. Isn’t it sad that most people nowadays would applaud nice acts like it isn’t expected and normal?

Now I don’t know what to do. I know what I want to do, but we don’t always get what we want right? Like I said, I’m at the crossroads again. Life is just really tiring. I guess I’m just a perpetually exhausted pigeon, not that phoenix that I fancy myself to be rising from the ashes.

Law school and life has beaten me again, and again, and again. The question is: will I continue?

I want to, oh how much I sincerely want to that it makes me want to vomit. I value this opportunity so much, and I know how much blessed I am with this privilege, more so than anyone else because of my experience. Last year, I have felt bitterness when I heard of people quitting and wasting the opportunity they were given.

I guess it’s karma that I might become the people I have resented. I am just so tired and exhausted. More than that, I don’t know how much I can take anymore. I have been pushing since day one, and I want to do more. I want to give more but I feel myself burning out, I have burned out.

I don’t think my friends and family realize, how I think that if I choose to continue it would be too selfish of me. I want to stop not only because I’m tired but because it costs too much. It’s expensive, the tuition, the time, the medicine if I want to keep my sanity, and all other costs I have not accounted yet.

Yet, I still want to continue. I still want to try. I still want to ask God, God is this for me? God will you let me? God please?

I have been asked by my parents previously to stop. I can’t describe how much it hurt, how much it pained me to hear those words from them, because it merely enforced the idea that what I did, what I’m doing is selfish, and that I can’t do it.

Despite that, I still want to try, to see where I could go. Despite being berated by our professor for our actions, I don’t regret anything. I felt happy that we tried. We had our closure for that certain subject. People don’t know how much I am glad, that for once I have fought. I have failed but I have fought.

I am honestly still scared. I am scared to learn that it’s not really for me, because I know it will hurt. I will be satisfied knowing that I did what I could, but it will still be painful.

I guess we really have no better choice in life but to move forward like always. Yes, I want to continue.

I’ll have to see whether God will let me. It will hurt, it will burn, but maybe a perpetually exhausted pigeon that is burned can rise from the ashes and become a phoenix?

Wishful thinking, but we have to see don’t we? Assuming I don’t become fried chicken instead, ahaha.

I might always be at the crossroads, always getting lost. Hopefully, someday, I’ll get to my destination.

 

2016: Come back year

Random Ramblings (2016 Edition)

I also call my 2016 the year of the perpetually exhausted pidgeon.

I was happy but tired at the start of the year, because I felt that 2015 has been hard for me but I grew, and I learned a lot from it. I thought about quitting because I wasn’t sure of my path, or rather I was just really tired. I also had to make a decision of retaking an entrance exam I failed in 2015, which is not really a big deal at first but then things happened and ugh, my poor lazy self had to move. I took the exam with intention of just having closure, just to check where I’m really supposed to be. Long story short, I passed! Hooray. I felt happiness and relief. Happy that I passed, and relieved that I’m not as stupid as I thought (but if you think about it, basing intelligence on just an entrance exam is stupid itself, so poor me. Nothing changed. Haha. #ChangeScamming)

Unfortunately, denial is my middle name. I kept on putting off my decision if I would enroll in UP law, and when I finally decided that I would enroll, things happened again. I had to wait for almost three months before I was able to enroll. Three months of existential angst and quarterlife crisis while playing the waiting game, and hide and seek with the school administration who has my requirements. I felt like a tennis ball being volleyed back and forth between different offices. I had to swallow my pride and faith in the system (boo you system, you suck. “I put my faith in you, so much faith in you, but you just threw it away” #Paramore); I asked help from my parents. It was a happy ending anyway, I was able to enroll.

I’m back in UP!!! Oh yeah. My beloved Sunken Garden was right in front me and I was so tempted to logroll, but it was rainy. Meh. I had a lot of space, and the teaching style of the professors was so compatible with my learning style, and I was able to appreciate subjects that I disliked with passion before. It was difficult to socialize with my blockmates (well, people in general), but I survived! #introvertproblems. It was amazing, it all felt surreal, but I also felt like the fishes in Finding Nemo who were able to escape from the aquarium but didn’t think too far so they were stuck in plastic bags. I was stuck. Despite the three months of vacation, I still felt tired, and hence the title of this post. Hahaha. Huhu.

2016 just had to be a meanie, so guess who also returned and said: “I’m back, bish!”. I had to groan and facepalm. It sucks, really really really sucks. I was happy. I was in my dream school. I had space. I was learning  in the way I wanted to learn again. Why did it have to come back? Why me? What did I do wrong? I effin survived 2015, I was literally out of my comfort zone back then, so why only now when I was where I wanted to be? I was stressed and tired, I knew that, but I was also back in my supposed comfort and safety zone. It was everything that I wanted. I had to leave some of my precious friends behind, it was a sacrifice I made. One step forward, two steps back. I felt like I regressed, the progress that I made in 2015 disappeared in 2016, and it hurt, it still hurts.

My motto in 2016 was #noregrets, which I’m happy to say that I somewhat fulfilled; except for the bish that came back, I’m still hating that it returned. I went to a family outing instead of studying, #noregrets. I got sick so I was absent and got my first singko in recit when I returned to school, #noregrets. I overslept, #noregrets. Hahahaha. -_- Kidding, I felt bad afterwards, but there’s no use in regretting. I think my new motto should be #priorities.

I met a lot of new people and friends who are amazing in their own way, but I still remember my friends who I left behind who I still hold close to my heart, and I blame them for setting the standard so high. Hahaha. Even if I felt like I regressed this year, I’m still me, so I think that’s ok.

2016 has been fun despite some major setbacks, like the Marcos burial #NeverAgain #NeverForget; Duterte, and Trump winning the elections, and . . . Nevermind. I think I’ll stop there before I am tempted to erase 2016 from my life, but still please pray for the world. Pray for Aleppo.

I was able to survive 2016 because of my meds, vitamins, anime, cats, friends, family, and of course, Allah (SWT). Here’s to hoping that the people and the world will be better, because it doesn’t matter if 2017 will be better when people are still the same.

Chasing Dreams: Of Desperation and Determination

This is it. Finally.

After submitting all of my requirements and finally enrolling in my dream law school, that was it. Ok. I’m done. I’m happy. Can I stop now? Hahaha. Kidding. Or am I?

I thought I knew what I was getting into when I decided to transfer. I already knew I was going to be pressured and stressed like I have never been before from different people with different expectations from me, mainly because I am technically repeating first year.

What have I done? Made things harder for myself apparently.

I have been called a masochist at best when I told a friend of my decision to transfer and how I expected the people in my college to treat me i.e. bullying, expecting great things from, pressuring me to be an honor student, no excuse for failing, etc. I already knew that. I prepared myself for that mentally. I was ready to tell people to f*** off when they say things like that, internally of course, because I can never say that to their faces unless they really deserve it. I was already programmed to just smile and nod, and say yes while tuning out their voices and finding out ways to escape them without me being strangled or them being punched to the face.

What have I done? I’m running after an idea.

I chased after my dreams. I consciously chose to ignore the thoughts bouncing inside my head about regretting transferring (because my new motto is #noregrets), about quitting while I still can, about staying low profile because I don’t want to dig my own grave anymore. I just want to do my best. That is all that I really want. I want to do my best and I want to be able to help people.

These past few days I just realized that I am tired and frustrated, and it’s annoying. It’s really annoying and debilitating. I had three months of vacation. Why am I still tired? Is it because I suffered from my situation of not knowing whether I will be able to enroll to my dream school or not, or because I was suffering from my doubts of whether I do deserve to be here, or because I am missing my previous school like how I usually do when I go to different places, or because of the pressure and expectations I know I am facing from a lot of people? I tried to recharge this vacation and I am still tired. It’s like trying to charge your phone and wondering why it doesn’t turn on, only to realize you forgot to plug the charger to the outlet.

It’s a combination, but more than that, I am pressured from own self. God, there I was proudly stating that I do not care what others think of me anymore, that I don’t care what their expectations are, I will just do what I want and be thoroughly selfish for the second time in my life. When I was hesitating to transfer because of the pressure that I know I will receive from being known as the younger sister of my siblings, my friend asked me, and I will never forget it, because it struck me to the core: “Are you really sure that’s your reason why you don’t want to transfer? Your siblings?” Yes. Partly, yes, it is unavoidable. Even my siblings think so, innocently remarking how I could never escape their shadows. But right here, right now, I knew this is a battle against myself. I was never trying to escape their shadows, I was trying to escape my own.

I tried, and I am still trying to study, only to end up frustrated that it almost reduced me to tears. Why can’t I read as fast as I did before? How stupid can you get, you’re supposed to know this already! How the hell did I survive last year?! I feel so stupid and disappointed with myself. My new professor told us to not “wallow in self-pity” and move on. Psh. I do not wallow in self-pity. I only wallow in frustration and self-hatred, but don’t worry I’m trying to move on, hence this post.

Perhaps the reason why I survived last year was because I kept on praying: “God, please don’t let me give up, God please no, please, please no, no, please.” My study habits were nothing but mere desperation to hold on to something, to prove something to myself as I have accidentally and intentionally sabotaged myself in the past and I don’t want to do it anymore. I was in a trial phase. I wanted to change, I wanted to grow. My energy last year was so limited (until now), that I just stopped studying whenever I wanted to stop and studied whenever I wanted. I lived on a day to day basis, and I would often enter class regardless of the fact that I studied or not, with my classmates teasing me that I should get a reward for having perfect attendance (except for that time when I got so sick I couldn’t risk infecting other people and I couldn’t move). My mantra was: “Sugod! Kahit butter knife lang ang dala sa giyera, sugod!” “Charge! Even if my only weapon is a butter knife in this war, charge!”

I can’t do that now. I can’t.

I can’t because I know how much this slot cost me, more than anybody. I felt the frustration last year of hearing people quit and drop from my dream school. I know I have no right to judge them, because everybody has their own reason and story. Last year, I felt heartbroken when I learned that my dream school which rejected me called the other applicants to ask them if they still want to study there. They did not choose me. Again. I accepted that fact, that I was undeserving back then, and until I graduate from my dream school I would still deem myself to be undeserving of this opportunity. I tried applying, one last time, just to check, because I just had to know. Why? I don’t know, but I knew I had to. So I finally passed, and things happened which almost prevented me from enrolling. The point is, I know, I truly know how much this opportunity is. I have fought for this relentlessly, sometimes halfheartedly because of my fears but still, I have fought and I am still fighting.

I know I can’t just trudge through this without putting in my all. Now I’ve realized that I wasn’t halfhearted in my attempts last year, I was tired, but I did what I could under those circumstances. I am trying my best right now, and I can’t help but beat myself up because what kind of best is this? F***, you call this best? You’re so much slower than before, this should be just a review for you. You haven’t even finished your required readings, and you’re wasting time trying to write this post. You’re an embarrassment to yourself.

I am even forced to omit certain truths when my classmates ask what I did for a year, I would often reply “gap year”. The sleepless nights, heavy workload, breakdowns and mini-heart attacks were reduced to “gap year”. It’s not that I wanted to hide what others would see as an “advantage”. What “advantage”? You mean the knowledge that if you fail a subject you already learned last year, it’s going to hurt badly? I just wanted to avoid the attention, personal questions and their subsequent reactions which I’m sure will piss me off. But I wanted to answer them honestly, and to tell to their faces that yes, I am a transferee and technically retaking first year. Am I crazy? Yes, I kinda am. But more than that, more than trying to explain to them that I don’t have it “easy because I already know these things”, more than trying to explain to them how hard it is to be scared of the thought of being compared to your stellar siblings and the professors not seeing you for who you are but who your family members are, I just want to say to them, please, please don’t waste this opportunity, please don’t be so arrogant, thinking you are great and smart, believing the brainwashing and indoctrination of the professors telling you about being the “cream of the crop”. That is true, being in UP, there is a presumption of being smart and excellent. But that is also bullshit. Presumptions can be overturned by hard and conclusive evidence. Don’t destroy that presumption. And serve the people. Always remember that. I have met wonderful and brilliant people, and they don’t study in UP. Brilliant people can exist elsewhere. Brilliant people who I believe right now deserves to be here more than them. I am allergic to arrogant people and I dislike them with a passion (which includes myself, maybe this is why my allergy never goes away).

I started to judge the people who said they were in that dream law school because they didn’t want to work, but then I reminded myself that I was like that at first. This is just the start, and I am really trying hard, to give them a chance because it really is just the beginning, so I am keeping an open mind about them, even if I find them annoying sometimes.

So why did I write this? Oh just to rant. Hahaha. And just to remind myself, that this is it. This is really it. Why are you wasting time wallowing in frustrations and exhaustion? Take a break. You already know that fear of failure is very debilitating. Stop being scared. Just stop. Just read, read, read, you’ll get somewhere. You’ve already proved that to yourself. Don’t ruin this opportunity because of overthinking and don’t burn yourself right away. Give yourself time to adjust. You have a sickness. It is not an excuse, it never is, and it never will be, but it is a limitation that you have to overcome.

Make mistakes. Don’t be a perfectionist (too much). It is a school. Grab the chance of learning while making mistakes because in real life it is going to be so much harder.

BALANCE. Find balance. And always pray. Pray pray pray. Please don’t be so arrogant as to believe that you got where you are because of your own. You didn’t. You can’t. And you know that.

This is it, I’m chasing my dreams. It’s only now that it is sinking into me. Really. I wasn’t able to savor that fact because I was too busy blocking my thoughts of “You are so gonna regret this. Girl, you crazy. Stop, look for another thing to do, do you actually deserve to be here? etc.” I wanted to roll in the Sunken Garden and bask in the sunlight, but rainy weather and hello readings.

I am determined to see this through. You don’t have a right to quit. You will only quit when the school kicks you out, but no, never again, you are never gonna give up on your own. God please no. Ya Allah please help me do my best. Please. Please. Please. What I have accomplished last year through sheer desperation, I will finish now with determination.

Ora et Labora. Prayer and hard work. Never forget.

So. Yeah.

Fighting.

Of Privileges and Expectations

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a privilege is a right or benefit that is given to some people and not others while expectation is a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen.

Privilege is seen as a horrible thing right now, which it is. Expectations would lead to disappointment, which is kind of true.

In my opinion, the two goes hand in hand. Having certain privileges entails certain expectations. And I hate both with a vengeance that most people do not know but may have noticed somewhat.

I do know that having a privilege is a blessing. It’s not something that everyone has, that’s the very definition of the word. It is unfair, society tells us. It is truly unfair, for others have to toil while others already have them in the first place. It is unfair when both person almost similar in personality, in effort, in everything except certain situations have to experience different things. Having a privilege means you’re expected to be successful in whatever way you were lucky to be born with. “Oh! You’re a daughter of a businessman? You should already have knowledge of becoming one!”. A ridiculous statement but you can hear this in different conversations, some subtle, some explicit, in different ways of saying.

I am privileged, I knew that since I was a kid, and I disliked it. Why should I have this when others don’t have what I have. Do I even deserve this? I was just a kid lucky enough to be born in a well-off family. I already knew that. I worked hard and tried my best to do what I have to do and that was to be a proper student and an obedient daughter. I tried to apply everything I learned and I took every lesson to heart that most of my friends would tell me I take things too seriously but it was my way of keeping my earn, of trying to help the world and getting rid of that privilege in my own way by doing my job. I would help when asked to help because it was my way of giving back, even if I knew in reality it does something so small it amounts to nothing. I’m idealistic, not naive. At least I tried, is what I would tell myself, to keep from killing a part of myself.

I grew up and entered high school where I somehow learned in an environment without the expectation of doing well because of my name, a privilege. That was a first. No one to expect a single thing from me because I was the first one in my family to enter the high school. It was refreshing and nice. I only had to deal with the privilege of having everything I need to study and live comfortably. Sounds arrogant right? Did I ask to be born this way? Did the others who were born in a different capabilities, different area, different family, different social status, ask to be born that way? Does everybody know the struggles that everyone has to live with? It is often said that Allah (SWT) does not burden a person beyond his capacity.

College happened. The university I went to is the premiere university of the country that I live in. I foolishly thought it was a privilege for me to enter into it, not because of the university’s difficult entrance exam, not because of their excellence, but because of my family’s capability to send me to a good school and training since I was a kid. There were unspoken expectations that went with my privilege. My siblings already went there, how could I not, there must be something wrong with me if I didn’t pass. It is a state university, our education was subsidized by the government. Students and other activist would often protest, education is a right not a privilege. It is a right, but the reality is higher education became a privilege which is unfair to everyone. I tried to ignore and just continued on studying, because I knew not to waste the opportunities given to us. We were expected to give back to the country, and we will someday, and in our own different ways right now.

And then law school happened. Certain privileges and expectations became more glaringly obvious. It was only then I realized how truly blessed I was to enter my undergraduate university when I met different people, who were so amazed by the fact that I went to there. I thought nothing of going there, because it was a privilege I took for granted, and I thought it was only expected of me to go there. Not everyone can afford to go law school, not everyone has the support of the family to pursue such field much like medicine. I knew that, I knew it was selfish of me to chase after it because of my personal reasons but I still did. But not many understand or realize the expectations that came with my decision to push with it, expectations not only from myself, not only from my family but also from the school and from everyone else who knows where I stand.

My dislike turned into hatred and I tried hard not to use what others would deem as a privilege as much as possible, it bolstered my desire for independence, and I hated expectations to the point that I turned to self-sabotage and impression management to prevent anyone from expecting things. Stupid right? How will my not using my privilege be of use to anyone unless I transfer it to them. How will destroying myself help anybody. How can I even disown myself from what I was born with without destroying relationships.

I just did not want anyone saying to me, that I got where I am solely because I am privileged, even if it is true, even if it is undeniable. I did not want anyone saying to me that I did not even try, to stop what I perceived as an injustice, an inequality, because it hurts. I tried, I worked somehow, I did what I could considering whatever issues and illness I have to struggle with that is considered by others as first world problems. I’m idealistic, not naive. I tried to kill the idealistic side, it almost died, but I realized I want to keep it, I’m fighting hard to keep it in this society.

Privilege and expectations take away the sweetness and pureness of hard work, it demotivates people, makes people arrogant, makes people self-absorbed. That is why, I admire honest and hardworking people so much, who did what they have to do properly to get where they are right now.

One day, some day, the system, the society that has perpetrated the toxic inequality and injustice will go down. Nobody will have the excuse of having or not having a privilege, there will only be honest to goodness effort and hard work. No more expectations, only goals.

Until then, there’s only prayer and hard work. Ora et Labora. Because Allah is Mercy, He is also Justice, and He can do things which we cannot do, but we have to do our part.

Contrary to popular belief, I’m idealistic, not naive. Let’s make this work step by step.

I’m at the crossroads, again.

WARNING: Very long and graphic. I was just joking about the latter part. Maybe.

Summary can be found at the bottom, because I like to ramble. Hahaha.

At this time last year, I was seriously contemplating about my life (as if I ever stopped). I was graduating from college (hooray! — *adult life looming scarily behind my back*) and I was scheduled for a panel interview for my dream law school which I failed horribly (that still makes me want to face palm, bang my head on the wall, and hide under a rock).

I remember feeling so confused and so torn, like I do now. I remember praying so hard for a direction, for a sign that will lead me to where I am supposed to be. I convinced myself there was nothing that I want in this life, except peace. I just want a direction, I want something a purpose in life, I want to do my best. It hurts when you don’t get what you want, so I learned to persevere with what I just need. I needed to do something after graduating. I’m relatively easy to convince and easy to talk to, I’m a chill person who just goes with the flow. Then I realized there was something that I’ve wanted more than anything in life so far.

Law school was an option. In fact it was my only option, I didn’t want to work right away. I felt that no company (zero/nada/wala) would have accepted me that would be a perfect fit for my personality (and to address the confusion and the comments like: “Eh? But you’re a nice person, you’ll find a job somewhere” etc, I sincerely did not know or realize that, okay? I blame the career fairs that I’ve attended and myself haha). I did not want to look for jobs yet though to be honest I felt happy and flattered when I received job interview offers but then I was already enrolled in another law school, so all I could think was: “Where were you when I needed you the most?” #hugot.

In the end I chose law. Why? I don’t know. I’ll get back to that when I know the answer because God knows how often I’ve asked myself that question only to end up with no explanation. All I know is I just want to.but I failed the exam for my dream school. I can say that it was one of my life-wrecking moments so far after my accounting days *insert awkward coughing* that all I remember clearly is the turbulent emotions that I had back then, I exaggerate of course. but what I felt was no joke.

I remember asking myself again and again, what would I do with my life, where am I going? I beat myself inwardly for failing an exam I was supposed to pass easily because my siblings (*insert middle-child syndrome/inferiority-complex/whatever-you-want-to-call-it here*) did it, so why did I fail? Where did I go wrong? Where was I lacking? And we jump to the hasty conclusion that I was stupid. I attended the panel interview which . . . hrrr. . . . bad thoughts, go away bad thoughts. . . never mind. So I went to the thing, and after that I already knew I wouldn’t get accepted to that school (well hello self-prophecy) but I remember praying so hard for a miracle. It was Ramadhan back then (and it’s also Ramadhan this time, praise be to Allah), so we went the Masjid (it’s like the equivalent of a church, for those who don’t know) to pray. I prayed as if my life depended on it, I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing because I kept on having horrible embarrassing flashbacks, even though people around me were getting concerned and all that because there was person near hysterics inside the room. It’s supposed to be a happy month, a month of blessings and forgiveness, the month of Ramadhan. My tear-ducts had a malfunction, maybe, so it was kinda leaky. I prayed and I prayed for guidance and forgiveness, and a miracle that I would get accepted into that school. Allah answered in the negative, nope that dream school is not for me, no no, so off I go to another school.

Do I regret failing the exam and the interview for that law school? Yes and no. Yes, because who likes failing? Nobody I tell you. People fail but they don’t intentionally do it. . oh wait I did but that’s another story. The point is, of course I felt awful that I failed. It’s normal! I mean, I act not normal sometimes, but I’m still normal. Haha. I digress. No, I do not regret failing because it made me realize a lot of things. It made me realize that I had issues to resolve, (yeah, other things could’ve made me realize that but still) and it also made me realize how much I wanted to study law. I did, I wanted it so badly, I still do. Is it because humans are fated to have desires over what they do not have? I hope not. I’ve said before that I believe myself to be a chill person almost monk-like (errrr, if I offend anyone who is a true monk then I apologize), who has no desire except for peace. But then. . . Oh God I really hope not. Stop overthinking. Stop. Hahahaha. No, I don’t regret failing because it made me want to dream again.

So I failed the exam and the interview right? I enrolled in another law school right away, impulsively I might add. I told my parents I would enroll in that school and then I found myself doing it the next day. Poof. Like that. I was a late enrollee. My dad was proud of me, and I think he was secretly pleased because I ended up enrolling in his alma mater. My first year of law school was a roller-coaster ride. It was baptism through fire, as they say. It all felt surreal, now that I think about it. I had my fair share of ups and downs. I was on automatic mode, and I was tired in general (because woe-is-me, kidding, our graduation last year was in late June while the first day of law school was in early July, I only had one week of vacation more or less after having to overload units in my last semester to graduate on time) but it was still fun, terrifyingly so. Imagine having mini-heart attacks before and during the class because recitations, and then just when you thought you wouldn’t get called, the professors call you, and you’d hate your surname and somehow wish the professor called another person.

I met a lot of wonderful people who I didn’t expect I would get close to at all. I was ready to be the lone wolf, the nerd just sitting at the corner of the room, the person who would just talk when needed. I wanted to be a super-nerd, just studying and reading and reciting during class, nothing else. I was far away from my home and my old friends, so it was not that hard to commit the intended social suicide. But yeah, we may plan and plan but Allah is really the best Planner. I met my sisters-in-law, my awesome roomies, my supportive classmates and bad-ass professors who sometimes tolerated my stammering and my awful jokes (there was this one time I had to say jokes about obligations for a class party, and my classmates laughed because they had to, yey. Haha. Ha.). I met people who made realize what I have been taking granted for years and that I am so blessed. We are so blessed.

Of course, I had my bad moments/recitations/exams/what-have-you (they were bad, okay? I’m not exaggerating they were bad haha), and nervous breakdowns. I would sometimes space out and ask myself why did I have to make things hard for myself, I can just stop and go the easy way out. I found myself wanting to stop and quit but then I prayed that God please don’t ever let me quit, no, not again please. It was really tiring. My brother passed the bar exams this year (yey, congrats bro, but still pray), so once again I asked myself why?! Like really, why. My parents are lawyers, my brother and sister are lawyers, my cousins are lawyers. Why do I have to be one again? Oh wait, because I wanted to and dreams and all that. Maybe I should just look for a job right now. . . . Haha. No. Or maybe? Hmmm. Stop. Hahaha.

What was the point of all of that? Well, I just wanted to ramble and waste the time of the readers. Haha. Kidding. The point is, I don’t regret enrolling in the other law school (no matter how hard and unreasonable they can get sometimes) because I learned and realized a lot. Ora et labora. Prayer and hardwork, the creed of my first law school that I took to heart. People shouldn’t regret things because everything is happening according to the plan. Not our plan, no, rarely so. Everything is happening within Allah’s plan. Now if we could just be informed of that plan, wouldn’t that be nice?

My journey through law school life doesn’t end there, well I sure hope not. I ended up applying again in my dream school, just to check you know. One last time, I asked Allah if it was really not for me. For closure, I say. For fun, I say. I unwittingly placed myself in the dilemma right now. I passed. Isn’t it amazing? It’s what I prayed for last year. Allah is truly amazing. He did not say yes right away, he merely delayed it (or I hope it was delayed, not another no,please).

So should I go, should I not go?

I don’t know but I truly, honestly, sincerely and wholeheartedly want to go.

But I’m scared. Scared of that I’d realize in the end that it was not worth it; that in the end I don’t belong there as much as I belong to where I am right now. I’d have to leave my friends behind. I’d have to go through first year all over again, the adjusting, the recitations, the studying, the crying, etc. I have to go through all of it. Again. With the added of pressure of being compared to my siblings who went to that school also. It’s so fun right? Right.

People kept on asking whether I’ve decided to transfer. I did not want to make a decision, because I’m afraid once again, that it will be taken away from me when I decide on it. It will be the fourth time I’ll get rejected by that school if I don’t get accepted again. It’s just. Well. It would hurt. Rejection always hurt. I’m not as indifferent and apathetic as I want to be. The grades for the second semester are still not out, and I’m anxious about the results because it would be the only deciding factor on whether I can transfer or not and I feel so helpless and frustrated, what if I did not pass some subjects and they be so clingy they don’t want to let me go that I have to retake it? (please no, please no please no, Amen). And the deadline is almost one week away. I am so tempted to just to go the office and just say:”Fail me if you want to, if I deserved it fail me but please just SAY IT RIGHT AWAY DON’T BE SO CRUEL TO MAKE US WAIT. NGHRHGHT!” and be done with it. But then I know they’re busy and all that and we should seek help in patience and prayer (Surah Al Baqarah 2:45) instead plus it’s Ramadhan and we’re fasting so we shouldn’t get mad or anything

So once again, I’m at the crossroads. Things are happening just like last year, but not totally the same. I pray to Allah that our hearts be not attached to what is not ours and that we may all be rightly guided. Please. Ya Allah please. We may plan and plan but You truly are the best Planner (Surah Al-Anfal 8:30). I don’t know where I’m going, but I’ll just keep on walking. We’ll get there somehow.

SUMMARY/KEYPOINTS (just as I promised at the start of this post. haha):

  • I’m a very talkative kid. Hahaha. Online at least.
  • I’m also indecisive. Errr.
  • Law school is hard. Really. Hard.
  • We may plan and plan but Allah is really the Best Planner.
  • Allah is amazing and powerful.  Alhamdulillah (praise be to Allah). Prayers are powerful.
  • Ramadhan! ❤ The blessed month in Islam.
  • Patience is a virtue. It really is.
  • Be specific in prayers. I prayed that I’d pass the exam, and I kinda did, but it’s still  not sure whether I’ll get accepted into my dream school. So yeah.