Of Pain and Indecisions

Random Ramblings: Midyear Edition (2019). So far I’m ok. I’m still alive.

I don’t know where to start. It has been a while since I last posted about anything and everything. I stopped posting because an unfortunate incident happened, I learned that people can be so mean behind your backs. What’s scary is that they’re so nice in front of you. Not that I mind if people talk shit about me, but it was almost a hit at my advocacy about me using it as an excuse. I was so conscious of posting another blog, but I realized I don’t write for the haters, I write for myself and for those who I can help with my random ramblings, even if it’s just one person.

So to my haters, let me tell you this. I’m fine with you insulting me and hating on me, like come on is that the best you can do? I hope one day you’ll realize it says more about you than me when you criticize me and what I stand for. I hope you’ll realize your privilege and try to help other people. I’m not expecting much, I’m not even expecting people to understand, but I do expect respect at the very least. Respect that I was not afforded.

I usually have a topic in mind or insights or learnings that I want to share but this time I guess I just wanna share what happened for the first half of my 2019.

I started off the year ok. I passed a written exam that I was hoping to pass, then it went downhill. Not really downhill because I just realized my life has been a series of ups and downs so I guess it went down for a moment. I was rude to a friend because I didn’t know how to say no properly, and more than that it was because I didn’t know what I want. I was indecisive. I was curious and I stupidly opened a door I didn’t plan on entering. You shouldn’t do that, don’t make my mistakes just because you feel like you have to do something to be special. After that I fought with a close friend (again) because I made a mistake that I excessively apologized for, we made up in the end but it was hard. Thoughts bounced in my head like why do I have to be the one to keep on chasing after people and why does it keep happening to me. Do I have no self respect? Why do I fear losing people when they’re not afraid of losing me?

It was a turning point in my life because I realized just how low my self-esteem was and how shitty my boundaries are that I ruin relationships accidentally. I kept on hurting people even though I didn’t want to, and I try hard not to but it turns out the more I try the more I hurt people. It’s like Oedipus trying to prevent that prophecy but he just made it all true (if I remember my Greek mythology correctly). More than that, I realized how much I lost myself.

I reached out and asked for help because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do it alone. I’ve been trying but it wasn’t enough. I went to counselling and it was funny because they keep telling me I have a lot of insights. It was more of I already know that, but I don’t do it. I read all of my previous posts only to realize that I was aware of the problems but I didn’t solve it properly or it’s only now that I’m fully facing it. I’m trying my best to change for the better.

“Verily, Allaah will not change the (good) condition of a people as long as they do not change their state (of goodness) themselves (by committing sins and by being ungrateful and disobedient to Allaah)” [al-Ra’d 13:11]

Ya Allah please help me because this is just so tiring.

My life went up a little bit when I got accepted into a part-time job that I was rejected last year. Things do happen in God’s time. It’s a funny story, I have a feeling I’m not supposed to get the job because during my interview my self-sabotage habits kept leaking despite my best efforts. I was only saved by a nice person who kept defending me based on my resume. The resume was a fake. Well, not really but I mean I feel like an impostor. Those achievements are not mine, I don’t know how I got those. Lol. But so far so good, I’ve been tempted and still am tempted to resign but I decided until they kick me out I guess I have to stay. I’m stressed by it actually. I really admire the working students who are able to balance it all, because God knows I can’t balance properly.

Then it went down again. I learned of the news that a former classmate of mine died. It was a death that could have been prevented and it affected me greatly even if we didn’t know each other. It would have been me if I didn’t hold on desperately to my faith. It could have been me if my support system weren’t there. Yet I’m still here. People like that are the reason why I try so hard even if I erase my boundaries, because no life deserves to end that way. But it happened. Despite the seminars, the trainings, the awareness, everything. It still fucking happened. To a person I saw for a semester, to a person I saw in the corridors. It happened, and all I could hear were false sympathies, late regrets. All I could hear were judgments, people blaming others, people washing their hands off their responsibilities. It hurt. It was painful. People often wait till somebody dies before acting, but this time somebody died and yet nothing. Nothing. The silence was deafening.

I realized some people just cannot understand, and sometimes I just want to stop because what’s the point? We’re just fucking special snowflakes who get sensitive about things. I decided that I’ll continue because so what? Call them snowflakes, whatever. I’ll still do what I can to help because even if it’s just one life it still matters.

I also realized I’m lucky enough to be able to have the chance to get counselling, and lucky enough to have resources to be able to help myself and the courage to reach out. Blessed enough to have my faith. Others aren’t so privileged. I just hope those who aren’t would know that I’m willing to help and direct you to professional help if need be, and that I’m willing to lend an ear if it helps. I have limits though, as I’m only human and I figured out my boundaries, so I won’t be available all the time. I can’t help anymore at the expense of my own well-being. I won’t ask you to pray if you don’t believe, I respect that. I would ask you to be honest to yourself, and to be strong enough (because you are even if you don’t think so, you are) to reach out to the hands in front of you. We’ll find a way. Recovery is a two-way street.

A lot of other things happened. Death happened. Almost lost a lot of money because I couldn’t say no properly again. I almost lost a friend permanently because of mental health issues, it was an unpleasant experience. I spent most of the time being anxious subconsciously.

Ultimately I realized that you just have to decide, because what will happen will just happen. Make a decision and stick with it. Yes is ok. No means no, no matter the reason (except maybe responsibilities). People have a choice but they have to face the consequences. This is maybe why consent is important no matter what. You don’t get to decide for people when you won’t bear the burden of the choice. You can’t force people when they are not ready when you risk traumatizing them or ruining their lives when it’s not even their decision. You also don’t get to say what they should or should not feel because it’s not your emotions.

Setting boundaries might be uncomfortable first, but remember it’s just the codependency talking. You don’t have to please others to make yourself happy. That’s a lie. Please God, not people. Or at the very least, please yourself. 

People were born alone and will die alone (idk about twins or triplets, maybe they’re a special case). Self-worth should not come from other people, it’s called SELF-worth for a reason. If it has to come from something else then it must come from God. People betray, God does not,

I’m pretty much suffering through existential angst and quarter-life crisis at the moment. I feel left out, be it from being delayed in my studies or from people and my friends in general. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. I know we have different timelines but I guess it’s still hard to accept that. Maybe this is just Allah’s way of saying to trust Him.

I’m trying very hard to change and be a better person, and I guess people don’t know how much i am tempted to run away, so instead of wallowing in misery I decided to just enjoy the small things in life, like food. Lol. I’m still learning, even if some lessons had to be learned the hard way.

On a random note, or maybe not so random, BTS became a big part of my life. Someone said that BTS comes at the time when you need them the most, and for me they did. I don’t even know them personally. The Love Yourself era was a blessing I did not know I needed. Their lyrics are superb and heartrending. Epiphany by BTS is the song for self-care ayt. I hope to be as inspiring and helpful someday. (There might be a separate post about me fangirling over them. Lol.)

At the end of the day, there’s someone else who comes at the time when you need it the most, and even if you don’t need it. God. Allah (SWT).

Alhamdulillah for everything.