My Boundaries and Limitations

I don’t know where to start.

Usually I have a structure in my mind, no matter how I call my posts random, and now I’m at a lost. Mostly because this will just be a rant, a manifestation of my messed up thoughts and emotions. What difference does it make with my other posts? Well, I won’t try to impart any lesson like I used to try. I’ll just babble. In hopes of letting go of my pain and turmoil.

Last year was a painful one. This year, it still hurts. When it rains, it really pours. That’s life isn’t it? You still feel when you’re alive and breathing. Nowadays I cycle between numbness and fatigue. I don’t know which is worse, bursting into tears or staring blankly because there are no emotions to feel. The answer is neither. Stupidly, I keep on comparing when there’s nothing to compare, only a difference in misery.

I was often called nice, sensitive, empathetic (more like pathetic), kind, whatever synonyms there are that I’m too tired to use. I’ve been told I care too much. I was okay with it. I didn’t care much about what others thought about it. I’ll make this world a better place in my own way, IDGAF. But then things went out of hand. I got hurt. My friends and family got hurt. All because I couldn’t control my impulse to give more than I can receive until it left me empty and bleeding.

I sought help. I’m thankful for it because I improved, people around me noticed, and I became happier or at least I’m able to recognize when to start and when to stop. I was able to place boundaries whereas before I would just give and give. I learned how to take care of myself even a little bit. I learned how to ignore words which would usually harm me but now I don’t give a damn.

I was growing into someone I want to be. Someone happy. Then the memories came back. The moments, the arguments, the guilt, the shouting, the frustration, the harsh words, the lies, the pretentiousness, they all came back to me. Slowly but surely they invaded my space, they invaded my mind.

I was told to turn away. I was told to pretend it isn’t there. For the sake of my sanity, I already ignore a lot of things. It comes as an instinct to block something or someone out that sometimes my brain just shuts down without me even noticing it when I’m acutely aware of everything going on in my head. I was told to ignore the elephant in the room.

I’m trying. I tried. I’m tired.

It takes all my energy to ignore it when it’s beating against me. When I was young, I took responsibility for everything, and I tried my best to correct what I could not. Now I made the painful decision to let it go. I decided to fuck it. I am not going to care over something I cannot control. I am going to focus on me. I am going to be better. I am going to be a bad-ass cat lady who will save the day.

But it’s hard. It takes all my energy that the only thing I can do most of the time is to pretend that I can still function like a normal human being. I even fail at that when people around would force feed me and notice my paleness and loss of weight.  I am behind my classes. I try to rest but I still feel like I ran a thousand times. I would wake up disoriented, I would sit and feel suffocated.

I’m still trying. I’m trying. I’m crying. I’m crying at the new low I have reached. I am laughing bitterly at the my limits when before I would brave anything and everything. I used to be able to surpass my limitations. Now I’m merely a shadow of myself. I didn’t want this. I tried to control it. Maybe I’m burnt out, maybe I’m tired, or maybe I’m lazy. Which is which? I couldn’t care anymore I just want to be happy.

I dream of a day when everything will be better.

I hope. I dream. I pray.

And I am praying, so desperately, because I am shaking, I am down, I have fallen, I am at my limit. But I’m still trying. I’m still hoping. I’m still praying.

I am thankful. I am grateful. I am praying for the strength and wisdom with utmost sincerity. I can’t. Not alone. Never alone. My boundaries, my limitations, my strengths and my weaknesses, Allah (SWT) gave them to me. And I ask for rest. I ask for peace. Ya Allah please.