Month: February 2020
Breaking the Cycle: Self-Victimization and Selfishness
I have a lot of issues as pointed out by my counselors, therapists, doctors, friends, just about anyone who has an opinion of me. It’s hard. I always invalidate myself and feelings.
I’m angry? Oh that’s bad, I shouldn’t be angry, they have their own problems. But what about my problem? I’m sad? I know some of my friends are sad and struggling right now. I shouldn’t be sad, I am blessed. I am lucky. But what about my desire to just cry and be comforted and hugged? I should be kind to them. But why can’t I be kind to myself?
And you know what’s frustrating? The source of most of my problems is myself.
I won’t deny anymore that my family, the people I’ve surrounded myself with, and my school had a hand in utterly destroying my sense of self. I can’t deny that anymore, it would be downright rude and it would erase what little self-love I’m giving myself. So. Yes. They have contributed to the problem, of why I’m like this but I also have to bear my responsibility of fixing myself now that I’ve acknowledged it. I can’t change them, but I also can’t let them keep on ruining me. I had a choice. I have a choice. I knew but I let them. This might sound like victim-blaming, but I can’t let myself be the victim anymore. I can’t continue this self-victimization.
All this time, I thought I had no choice. I should prioritize others. I have to prioritize others because it’s selfish. Being selfish is bad. I shouldn’t be bad. For a long time that was what I believed to be an absolute truth. A truth that I protected at the cost of my health and sanity. I was so scared, I still am, about being selfish and bad. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to be bad. I thought I had no choice. But then I just went into this cycle of frustration, of enabling people to use me and treat me this way, and I would realize that’s not right and feel angry at myself in the end. I had a choice. I made the choice to prioritize other people over myself. Was I happy with it? For a while, I guess I was because it was easier. Less hassle. No fighting, I would just give up myself for them.
But not anymore. I’m angry. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I’m scared.
My therapist told me, it’s not bad to practice self-care. But it’s so hard to believe that when all my life I’ve been surrounded by people who, in my mind, were selfish and because of their selfishness they hurt me in ways that I could not express. So it scarred me badly. I don’t want to be like that to other people. I can’t be like them. I don’t want them to experience what I did because of me. I can’t. And she also told me, she told me something that I won’t forget, that I will never forget and should never forget.
“If there’s anything I can assure you with certainty, it’s that you will never be selfish. You are not that kind of person.“
That relieved me in so many ways. I didn’t cry when she said that, but I’m crying now. I’m crying now because I felt all the progress I’ve achieved came crashing down again when I didn’t choose myself. I had a choice but didn’t choose myself, I cancelled plans with my friends who I haven’t seen for how many years because I was scared and triggered because the people in our house were so angry and I didn’t want to be another burden so I thought I can make things easier and I was so fucking pissed off after I told them so many times that I can’t change the venue so I cancelled the plans. And they kept on asking me if it was okay, that I can still go out. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that I had a choice but I didn’t choose myself. Thank you for reminding me that I could have talked to my friends and asked if we could change the venue but I didn’t because I chose the most damaging one to myself out of instinct. Putangama. Instinct. it was my fucking instinct to deny myself of my wants and need.
Thank you. Thank you for reminding me that my instinct is just to give in and take one for the team supposedly. Thank you for reminding me that I have this shitty self-victimization. Thank you for confirming that I have been like this because I grew up with the passive-aggressiveness of the people in my life, because of my aversion to anger. I was sarcastic at the start of my tirade but I guess I am thankful because at the very least I’m aware now. I can do something about it. I have control over my emotions and actions.
I have a choice. And I’m going to make a choice. From now on, I’m going to break the cycle. I am choosing myself. I will choose myself even if it would be hard for me at first. Even if I relapse or fall down again, I will choose myself. I will love myself and continue loving other people, but I will love myself.
“Loving myself might be harder
Than loving someone else
Let’s admit it
The standards I made are more strict for myself
The thick tree rings in your life
It’s part of you, it’s you
Now let’s forgive ourselves
Our lives are long, trust yourself when in a maze
When winter passes, spring always comes”
To the people who I love and loves me, thank you.
For the people who made me realize that I should take care of myself, for those who reminded me that I am worthy of love, for my family who despite their flaws and being a part of the problem still try their best to help me, for my friends who love me in ways that I did not notice before. You have no idea how much your presence and support means to me. It’s hard. It’s going to be a hard battle, trying to get rid years of habits and instinct. Please support me as I try hard to be a better person. I have always been scared that people will leave me once I start setting my boundaries, but now I know those who truly care for me won’t leave me and support me no matter what and they will respect my boundaries.
I love you, I still do, but I’m going to love myself from now on. And if you can’t respect how I’m going to love myself and the boundaries that I set, thank you for the good memories. The door is open. For those who will still stay despite seeing me at my lowest points and how awful I am, please do so. Know that I love you, truly. Thank you.
“You’ve shown me I have reasons
I should love myself
I’ll answer with my breath, my path”
Loving Life and Sinking Ships
Random Ramblings: January 36 Edition
Yo. It has been a long time since I last posted. I’m supposed to be writing a letter to myself but I decided to write a new blog. LOL
As we all know, January 2020 was a deadly month (both figuratively and literally). Threats of WW3, Taal Volcano, nCoV, emotional stress, trauma, and a lot more. But hey, we survived! Amazing! Sugoi! I was pretty triggered the whole month of January. Panic attacks here and there, everywhere. Despite all the shit that is happening, we’re still alive. (WHY??!?) Kidding. Or am I? Somebody said: “I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven’t died yet.” And I felt that.
Isn’t it sad though? To be alive yet not living. My friend keeps on asking me that. “When will you experience living?” I couldn’t understand her question at first because obviously I’m still alive and breathing, but then I’ve been thinking about it. I can’t remember the last time I lived for the sake of existing without worrying about the future and obsessing over the past. I don’t know what it means to be living. My therapist also tells me that I don’t know how to love myself. Perhaps, it’s life that I don’t how to love, yet. I’ll get there hopefully, we’ll get there.
Which brings me to my next point (don’t ask me how, this is my random ramblings after all), it’s February! We all know what that means, capitalism! *coughs* I mean Valentine’s Day is near! The month of love and all that shenanigans! According to both my Chinese horoscope and Zodiac Astrology, I’m supposed to have good luck in love life.
I DON’T NEED THAT. I NEED GOOD HEALTH. HAPPINESS. ANYTHING BUT THAT.
Unless it’s about loving myself, sure, I’ll take it I guess. As you can see, for reasons I cannot disclose because I do not know also, I might have an aversion to . . . loving myself. (I’M SO SORRY BTS. I’M SORRY JIN, I’M TRYING). I mean, I know that I’m the one I should love, in this world, shining me, precious soul of mine I finally realized so I love me. Not so perfect but so beautiful, I’m the one I should love. Okay, I know I just quoted Epiphany lyrics. But see, I know! I’m doing it, I guess, I’m still alive, I eat, and stuff. I now that sounds normal, but it’s really a big step for me, and as I wrote this I feel horrified at myself hahaha. -_-
I don’t know why, and originally, I didn’t mind. I didn’t bother anyone, I’m still capable of loving everyone else. I have a lot of good friends, and they love me (I think). They gave me the love that I needed to give myself. So really, I didn’t see what the problem was until I was betrayed one by one and I was left feeling empty after giving too much without getting anything. Truth is, no one will be ever to take care of you, except God. Only you know yourself, what you truly need. Perhaps, that is one of the reasons why I’m so averse to getting into a relationship with anyone.
I’ve tried dating so people can’t tell me to date for experience. It was okay, but I realized it wasn’t for me. I don’t like strangers. I was on edge most of the time, I’m an awkward person in real life. I don’t like forced settings because more often than not I just get stuck in my head trying not to make a mistake. I don’t like pretending who I am not to be, and I don’t like being open to strangers. I am embracing my cat-lady tendencies and I already have 2 cats so I have 98 more to go. I reached the conclusion that it’s either I go date a friend or just be single. I choose the latter. Easier and less painful.
Unfortunately, my status of being a cat lady was threatened when they shipped me with a friend. 2 different people shipped me and I was disturbed by the coincidence. My overthinking started, what the fudge did they see. Did I do something strange? They think I’m disturbed because I don’t like people. No, I’m disturbed at the possibility of losing a friend. I value friendship over anything because it’s safe and comfortable. I would get hurt, yes, but I can pick myself up if a friend betrays me. Despite what most of my friends think, I still have boundaries, invisible they may be. I don’t think I can love that way when I haven’t learned to love myself properly. I don’t think I’m ready to be vulnerable to anyone, to love and be loved that way. I’ve seen how toxic relationships destroyed people, and I don’t want it for my friends, I don’t want it for myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to get hurt.
Did I sink the ship?
Yes? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m at a docked ship where the captain is missing, and I don’t know if I should burn the ship down or get off. They said to be open, and I’m trying. I’m really trying. I don’t think there is anything to be open about when there’s nothing.
I have accepted the fact that whoever will be stuck with me must be kind and patient. Because I will really run the other direction or hide, like what I’m doing right now. I’m not hoping or expecting anything; hope, as a wonderful it may seem, is also insidious and hurtful. I just want to live and be happy.
This February, and the rest of the year, I wish you love and happiness. Cheers.
A Voice for the Soul 